tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6918105604270007470.post7696776770390507125..comments2023-10-09T15:47:14.355-04:00Comments on And you may ask yourself-well...how did I get here?: Shadow of the DayStarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18241931590875029855noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6918105604270007470.post-38577576215619406922008-12-28T02:59:00.000-05:002008-12-28T02:59:00.000-05:00Judging only by my experience (although I'd hazard...Judging only by my experience (although I'd hazard a guess that's it's pretty darn common), that first Christmas is probably the hardest one you'll have to survive. I've felt worse in later years in the weeks and months leading up to Christmas, but none have been as hard as that first one. <BR/><BR/>And I've seen it a million times on the widowed bulletin board I belonged to the first year or so after Charley died, and heard it numerous times in the 3+ years I've attended my widowed support group, but it's often right before or right after the "big day" (Christmas in this case) that's the hardest, rather than the actual day itself. Sometimes it's a day, a few days, a week, a few weeks...either before or after (or when you're really unlucky, sometimes both). Partially it's because you don't know what to expect or how you'll react, so the days/weeks leading up to it are full of anxiety, dread, and sometimes fear. For me, I've always gone into emergency shutdown mode on the big days--into a sort of autopilot, sheltered absence--so only a few things ever really register on the actual day. And then if I'm on the yo-yo swing where the grief hits me after the date, I'd usually be assaulted in the following days by all I didn't let myself feel in real time. <BR/><BR/>I thought I was handling it okay that first Christmas. It was awful and excruciating and surreal, but at least while Christmas was officially in swing, there were tons of distractions. But after everyone went to bed on Christmas night, something happened (I'll spare the details), and I absolutely lost it. One of the worst meltdowns I've had these past 3.5 years. And I don't know if emotionally it got worse in the days following, but physically it sure did, because I ended up in urgent care on either Dec. 26 or 27 with a massive ear infection. I think, in hindsight, the physical, medical pain was easier to stand than the grief.<BR/><BR/>Glad to hear you survived (which of course you were going to...there's no choice in the matter). And dreams like that suck. I'm so sorry. Hang in there. Gods willing, it should start getting a little bit better (we can hope) after New Years....<BR/><BR/>Hugs,<BR/>CandiceCandicehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11637366044613952294noreply@blogger.com