Thursday, August 26, 2010

The Check-Ins

First, thanks to all the people who have been emailing, facebooking, calling, and texting this week.
Unfortunately/fortunately this week I have been mostly fine.
Like most holidays and anniversaries during this journey it has been the time before the actual event that have been bad.
School started on Monday.
Thus I have been super distracted this week.
Super busy.
I cannot think about Saturday coming much.
And I feel mostly okay about Saturday.

In reality, the month before this week has been completely emotionally draining and hard for me.
Grief has been almost constant under my mask.
In reality, I needed these comments and love before this week.
I needed people to come over and be with me and hug me.

And I should have asked.
I should have been a bit more demanding.
But I still struggle with asking for help, even from Mr. X.
I still struggle admitting that I cannot do this alone.
And most people have their lives.
They are busy with work, family, and other friends.
I do not want to burden others with my grief.
With my struggles.

So I do it alone and struggle.
And then I feel bad when people expect me to sad this week.
Because right now, I do not feel exceptionally sad.
Not like I did earlier this month and during the end of July.


Janine (txmomx6) said...

Well, I, for one, am happy that you are not exceptionally sad this week. That's a very good thing, in my book. I, too, know that the worst days are the days leading up to that horrible date .... but as time continues to march onward .... we get stronger and stronger and are able to handle the grief differently than we did in the early years.
You're doing great .... I'm cheering you on from Texas!

Autumn said...

i cried when i didnt make our date tonight. my sleep schedule is AWFUL. I need more sleep. for real. ugh. i am so sorry. forgive me???

Crash Course Widow said...

I understand completely. It was the same for me this year, although on a larger scale. It wasn't on the fifth anniversary, the week leading up to it, or this summer that has been hard--it was the three or four months at the beginning of this year that were hard, but no one knew, I didn't say anything, and I didn't ask for help or support. It must be the trademark of grief: we know it's there, it hurts, but we can't ask for help with it when it's in its toughest bits.

I hope the rest of this week continues to pass uneventfully. The 2nd anniversary was very uneventful for me. I was dating my friend and he'd spent the night the night before, but he left the morning of the 12th (and left a sweet card and good beer...he knew me well) and I didn't see him the rest of the day (I don't think...unless he came back that night, and I actually didn't really want him there...don't remember for sure). I had lunch that day with a good widowed friend, took Anna to the cemetery, and then we went to a parade in Sandy late that afternoon. I just didn't have any energy or desire to do anything "special" for it like I had on the 1st anniversary. The good news is that subsequent anniversaries were much more like the 2nd one than the 1st one (except usually even more uneventful and unremarkable).

Hang in there, my friend. Hugs.