"Family"

This Christmas was going to be the first.

The first time I (and Mr. X) went to Miami for Christmas since Roger's death.

The first time we were going to spend this holiday with Roger's family.

I was excited.

I was nervous.

I was looking forward to it.

I remember the Tuesday when the doctor wanted to speak to me in person.

The day when he told me all bets were off.

Roger was done.

"This is as good as it will get."

A million thoughts were running through my head.

And one big thought: I was going to lose Roger's family.

First, they would hate me.

Because of course this was all my fault. 

Second, they would leave me.

This wonderful gift of family that Roger had given to me was going to disappear.

But I was reassured.

I was told that would never happen.

"You will always be my prima."

"My niece, Star."

And I believed it.

Those who loved me before would love me still.

I believed it with my entire being.

In some ways, it is true.

Some of the family is still my family.

Like I feel so connected to Grace.

She is truly a big sister to me.

I can talk to her about anything.

I cannot imagine my life without her in it.

And sometimes, for a tiny, minuscule split second, I forget how we are connected.

How we both miss him.

How things would have been.

And in other ways, I feel the pulling.

Especially now that I am getting married again.

With June fast approaching.

Family that barely says anything to me when I am in the room.

Family that visits Orlando without even a peep. 

Family who will not even consider coming to my wedding to Mr. X.

So Gizmo's health this holiday season dictated that we would not go to Miami for Christmas.

We fear the stress of leaving her may hurt her kidneys more.

And I can almost feel the relief of some.

To know the Gringa will not be there.

Do they think I do not think of Roger daily?

That I have forgotten?

That because I am getting married I am over it all?

That I did not love him?

That I do not love him still?

That I cannot talk of Roger?

That they cannot talk of Roger?

Sigh... 

What would Roger think of you all now?   

Our Song

I was about to get out of the car.

The door already open.

I was about to enter the overly commercialized world of Christmas.

Then there it was.

Our song.

"Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol.

So I stopped.

I closed the door.

Closed my eyes.

And sat.

Our memories floated through my mind.

Your last birthday.

Your last birthday cake.

Our non-date at Pleasure Island.

One of our first real dates at Bahama Breeze.

Our trip to NYC.

Our wedding day.

Our first dance.

Your last breaths.

Your excitement.

Your laugh.

Your patience. 

Your smile.

The song ended.

I wiped the tears from face.

Exited the car.

And entered back into the world.

Maybe...

Maybe it is the time of year.
All the holidays and memories.
Or lack there of.

Maybe it is the fact I drove to Miami.
By myself.

Maybe it is job stress.
Friend stress.
Wedding stress.
Second job stress.

But you have been on my mind.
I love looking at old pictures of you.
The ones of you before I met you.
Of you as a child.

Driving to work this week, I had disbelief battles again.
You didn't really die.
Just can't be real.
I saw you die but it just cannot have happened.
To you.
To me.
To us.
To everything.

I so miss you.
I wish I could talk to you.
I wish I could hear your voice.

Yesterday, August 7th

Yesterday was horrid.
It has been a long time since I felt so crappy on an important day.
This one snuck up on me.
I did not know it would be such a big deal to me but it was.
And sadly, I felt so alone.
So friendless.

It felt like everyone, except for Roger's family and me, forgot.
My phone did not ring.
No text messages.
No offers to come by.
Not even emails until I expressed how sad I was.

I cannot predict my grief.
But yesterday was horrid.
And disappointing.

Mr. X tried to deal with the ball of emotion that was me.
He tried to hug me.
Tears just sat on the verge of falling all day.
Maybe they think Mr. X can handle it.
Maybe they think it has been three years and I should get over it.
Some may say it is not even a big deal.

Everyone else went on with their life yesterday.
I stayed inside most of the day except for the brief stent to the grocery store to buy cake making supplies.
My body felt so heavy.
Napped when I could not handle it anymore.

As promised, I made Roger a cake.
With layers.
It was not very pretty but it was done.
And it is yummy.

The Space Between...

... Valentine's Day and this next week are always a bit weird for me.

During wedding planning, I did not realize at first when we picked our wedding date that it would be nine days after Valentine's Day.
I have not been a huge Valentine's Day person in years anyway.
But three years ago, as Valentine's Day approached, I thought about what that would mean in the future.
Combined gifts?
Bigger deal?
Maybe weekends away to celebrate both days?
In 2008, we decided we were giving each other a wedding for Valentine's Day and that was enough for that year.
No other gift besides becoming my husband was necessary.

This past Valentine's Day, I did not care as much about that hallmark holiday.
I was more upset about my dad oddly enough.
I miss him a lot right now.
The inability to call him up and talk to him is starting to really hurt.
It seems suicide and/or father's dying is all over my regular television shows.
Marshall on "How I Met Your Mother" lost his father.
"Grey's Anatomy" always has death but for some reason a lot of dads that I have noticed.
Addison's mother committed suicide on "Private Practice."
On the "lovely" Valentine's day, a teacher at the school mentioned how his brother had tried to commit suicide over the weekend.
After a rough first two blocks of teaching on Monday morning, I barely could keep it together.
I had to leave the room.

Then I started thinking about how it was only nine more days till my third wedding anniversary.

Which turned into just a week.

Which now turned into just around the corner.
I just feel so jealous of other people getting to celebrate their anniversaries.
I feel so left out to have married years together versus just a few months.

Tonight as I watched yesterday's episode of Private Practice, Addison said "I used to think they were selfish and wonder what they were thinking. But they aren't thinking.  They aren't selfish.  In that moment, they were broken."
It is hard to think of my dad as broken.
He was never broken to me.

So as I stumble toward the twenty-third, I feel grief times two.
Missing Roger.
Missing my dad.
Missing wedding anniversaries.
The crankiness is here.
Along with irritableness and involuntary tears.

Sigh...
February is almost over.
At least one of the grief monsters can go back into the closet.
For now.
Hopefully.

Out With the Old & In With the New

Like a good blogger and a reflective person, here is my 2010 to 2011 post.
Yes, three or four days late depending on the count.

First, 2010.
Wow, I am glad another year is down honestly.
Finally I feel like it is okay to be happy.
Outsiders surely expect me to be by this point.
Most days, I do.
I see myself laughing.
Smiling at old memories.
And at times when I do cry, I am better at giving myself a break.
I feel more accepting of my life and myself for the most part.
There are still moments of complete disbelief but as I understand, that will always happen.
That's the way the human brain works fortunately/unfortunately.

2010 was good to me.
The business is up and running.  It is going fairly well with more and more strangers contacting me for sessions.
I entered my third decade on earth with friends and family with a surprise party.
Mr. X and I became more serious.
As far as education goes, I passed several certification tests and have only one semester left.
The holidays this year were not as bad as they have been with almost a touch of Christmas spirit I have not felt in years.
As a present for myself and increasing my home value a little, the patio was screened in.

For this new year, I feel like one of my major life goals will finally be complete.
I will finish my degree in May.
I am slightly disappointed that it has taken me thirteen years to get a bachelors but I am glad to finally be getting my piece of paper.
January is already looking like a good photography month with seven sessions so far.
I am going to start advertising this year with a few ads placed in local publications.
And as I mentioned in my resolution post, I will love me.

Since I love lists.
What I will do to love me:
1.  Lately, I have not cared so much about my appearance.  Apathy was the name of the game most of the time.  However, I do not want to be so apathetic.  Yes, my appearance does not define me but I will care more.
2.  Like most (maybe all) people, I want to lose some weight.  But in a healthy way.  Not a fad diet or magic potion, but I want to start exercising more.  I want to run again.  My daily schedule should be more stable so I can stick to this better.  Maybe even complete a new 5K this year.
3.  I will accept me for who I am.  Not what my friends expect themselves to be.  I will grade myself on my own standards, not theirs.  Isn't this what the 30s are suppose to be about?
4.  I will try harder to stick to my budget but not hate myself for going over.  I have done extremely well for not working.

Here is twenty-eleven.  May it be exactly what I need.

My Holiday Check-in

You can't see it but there is a superman underneath the white shirt.

I almost feel like I owe a posting about how I am doing this season.
"All widows & widowers report your status please."
So here it goes...

Putting up the Christmas tree was hard this year.
About half my Christmas ornaments are from Roger.
So the process of decorating the tree was pinged with a bit of sadness.
Scoobie Doo. Coke bears. The Hulk. Clark Kent outfit.
I tried hard to be happy for Mr. X as he adores Christmas.
But Christmas has never been a great holiday for me.
I think my growing up beat it out of me.
My mother was hardcore about decorating.
Starting immediately after Thanksgiving.
Christmas threw up everywhere on everything.

Then I was in choir from the fourth grade through the twelve.
We sang Christmas carols and inspired music from August till January.
Needless to say, I had enough Christmas for almost a lifetime.
Then throw the dead husband thing on top and I could almost not have Christmas and be okay.

But after that small emotional incident with the tree, I have not felt overly sad.
A few good happy memories have found their place in my head.
Not necessarily Christmas oriented but it has been nice to smile instead of cry.

But I have also been busy.
The semester ended last week and getting there was a challenge.
I took a required state exam yesterday which meant I was studying a lot.
[I passed by the way.]
Not to mention Lil Paperia photo shoots and shopping for gifts.

I do wonder how the actual day will be.
And New Year's Eve.
It is always hard for me to enter into a new year.
Further and further away from 2008.

So far so good really for me.
I am in shock I feel this "good" in ways.
Parts of me thought I would never be able to enjoy the holidays again.
Alas I am.  Alas.

My Ring, Again

I swear I feel like each November/December since widowness I have had ring issues.
Two years ago, I had my ring redesigned and a meltdown in the store.
Last year,  I lost a stone from the old wedding band and had a slight meltdown.
This year, at least my meltdown was when I was alone.

I went to get my ring inspected.
The stone from the engagement ring part was loose.  It was twisting in the setting.
I cannot imagine losing that!
So they had to take it away from me.
Only for a day but...

Then I turned around.
A face.
So familiar.
Wait, she was here four years ago.
The November I received my ring.
She is the one who helped Roger and me find the perfect diamond.
She was sweet and non-pressuring.
Does she recognize me?
Did she hear about the redesign and meltdown?
Does she just think I am a divorcee?

On my drive home, I looked down at my hand and noticed I now have a ring tan.

On my right hand. Not my left.
I did not cry in the store this time.
I cried in my car.

Roger, I miss you.

Flashing Back

I am not sure if the flashbacks will ever go away completely.
They certainly are not as raw but still linked with emotion for me.
Sometimes they came out of left field but sometimes they are linked to just a trigger to remind me.

On Saturday night, Mr. X and I went to have dinner with his parents.
We had a nice dinner and then sat down to watch a movie together.
"The Family Stone" was on regular TV and I was the only one who had seen it.
I like the movie as I think it is pretty humorous at times.
I also knew there was sad ending to the movie.

The tears came.
And came.
And came.
Thankfully no one, except Mr. X, could see my face.

At one point in the movie, the oldest daughter lays down with her mother as she is napping.  She wraps her arms around her.
As Roger was being pulled off life support I just wanted to crawl up into the bed with him.
Especially once they pronounced officially gone.
I wanted to wrap my arms around him.  Pull him close to me.
But I couldn't.
Because he was donating his organs, because I was donating his organs, he had only a few minutes before we had to let him go.
Or at least it felt like a few minutes at the time and to me.

At another point, the husband's face as he crawled into bed with his wife truly expressed my feelings.
After I knew Roger was going to die, crawling into bed was painful.
Knowing he would never come home to me.
Knowing he would never crawl into bed with me.
I remember those moments so vividly.
Memories are linked to emotions and emotions were certainly high.

At the end of the movie, you see the entire family for their first Christmas without their mom.
Although my first set of holidays were not too bad, my second set hurt a lot.
I was no longer numb.
Emotions were at the surface.
Roger was truly dead the second set of holidays.
The first set he was just not here.

I do not know why I am surprised at how weepy I became.
From the outside, I want to laugh at myself.
Did I really think grief was done with me?
Did I really think I would not think of Roger as the holiday season madly approaches?
At least this year, it does not feel like a boiling pot of water ready to come over the top of the pot.
This year, at least so far, it feels like a few bubbles coming to the surface sporadically.
It reminds me of the sulfur springs in St. Lucia.

Sigh.

Halloween

In 2006, on Halloween, I proposed to Roger.
His favorite holiday. My second favorite holiday.
He was a wizard that year.
I was a photo booth.

Four years ago today.
It is so hard to believe.
And it sucks.

I ended up canceling my annual Halloween party.
A lot of people could not make it.
A lot of people never replied.
It is just a lot of work to do for a few people.

So sadly it almost feels like just another day.
The costume I planned for almost a year goes into the filing cabinet.
I did throw a quick one together to give out candy to the neighborhood kids.

Mr. X was really sweet and did get down all the Halloween stuff from the attic.
The porch is all decorated thanks to him.
Sadly, the other three huge storage containers are sitting in the living room almost filled with the indoor decor.

I will do the party next year.
Even if it is for me and a few friends.   

Roger & me 2006

Halloween 2007

So Here I Am

It is my thirtieth birthday.
A few weeks ago, after a post, my friend Candice emailed me about her thirtieth birthday.
How it felt good.
And I have to say I agree.
I am glad to turn at least the page to a new decade.
A new part of my life.

In some ways, I feel I cannot really complain about my 20s.
The first seven years of them were pretty great.
I traveled a lot.
Sweden, Australia, England, France, and Holland.
I moved to NYC.
And then back to Orlando.
I have an amazing set of friends that grows all the time.
I met a fantastic guy and gained his wonderful family.
I had a beautiful wedding.
It is sad and annoying that one August day could cast such a bad taste for my 20s.

I am hopeful and praying for a better decade.
This is not where I thought I would be at people.
A lot of people say that, I know.
I am trying not to be depressed about it.
I met some of my goals.
I own my own home plus a rental.
Mr. X and those amazing friends still are still a big part of my life.
Gizmo and Gadget are the best cats.
I am enjoying my education for the most part.
Started my own business.

So I am trying not to focus on that fact I experienced widowness.
That I lost my best friend and husband.

But today is my birthday.
I will be happy today.

Birthday, Again

Thirty in less than three weeks.

I know I wrote about my birthday a few weeks or months ago.
I am not sad in a traditional sense about turning thirty.
In some ways, I am excited.
Especially since a few friends of mine have planned a surprise for me.

For me, this is the decade things will be accomplished in a traditional sense for me.
I will have my degree in May 2011 at thirty & a half.
I may possibly get married (again) during the next decade.
And I will hopefully have children too.

For me, it is more strange weird eerie feeling.
Not regretful.
Unlike some people, I have traveled some so I cannot really regret that.
I am not as thin as I would like but I am okay, at the moment, with that fact.
It just does not seem real.
Not just because time flies and twenty-one seems like five years ago versus almost ten.
But because most days in my head it is still 2008.
Yes, it feels like two years have past but part of me does not want to go past 2008.
Instead, a 2008 part III.

There is one bit of sadness.
No gift from Roger.
After getting a posthumous gift for my twenty-eighth part of me wants another.
Selfish perhaps.
But I wonder what it would be like.

So thirty here I come.
I hope you are ready for me.
A new decade, a new beginning.

One Big Day Down, Twenty Days to Go

August should be a nice month.
School is completed for a few weeks.
I get some traveling done.
Sounds perfect...

But instead I just distract myself through the thirty-one days.
Become super weepy.
Find it hard to breathe.
Think logically.
Or plan.

I just want to wake up when August is over.
I hate this month.
Hate. Hate. Hate.

I survived Saturday with a dear friend's baby shower in a different city.
Followed by a cook out with some of her dearest friends.
These friends are so friendly and sweet and accepting and fabulous.
As night took hold I spent part of the evening in the North Carolina air talking to one of her friends who happens to be a psychiatrist.
It was nice to talk to someone.
To remember.

Thanks to those who emailed or called.

36

Today is Roger’s birthday. 

The date of my husband’s birth. 
I cannot help but remember and think of him.

[And be slightly weepy.]

His love of layered birthday cakes.

His learning to surf on his thirty-third birthday.

And all the tiny and large details that made me love him tremendously. 

And the details that made me want to celebrate the day he came into the world.

When I first met Roger (on match.com), he was thirty-one. 

One year past my age preference.

I was forty-eight hours away from twenty-five.

As I have written before, the year Roger died I could not believe he was turning thirty-four. 

Thirty-four!

He took the day off of work. 

Cut his shaggy hair a bit and relaxed.

I had to work unfortunately.

If only I would have known. 

If only…

On this date this year, he would be turning thirty-six. 

Six years older than me. 

It seems impossible.

Of course it is impossible.

He will never be thirty-six in reality.

His traditional defined life stopped twenty-one days after turning thirty-four. 

I wonder what we would be doing on this birthday.

Cake? Yes of course.

Both of us taking the day off? Hopefully.

A trip?  Perhaps.

Dinner with friends? I hope so.

Dinner with family? At least at some point.

But alas none of these things. 

Happy Birthday, Roger!

I miss you more than words can even start to describe.

I adore you.

Part of my heart still belongs to you today and always.

A New Birthday Cake

This is somewhat of a repeat emotion but...

Yesterday was Mr. X's birthday.
I was super excited to celebrate with him.
I wanted to make the day special for him.

I bought him a couple of gifts.
Made us dinner (except it did not taste very good).
And I made him a birthday cake.

And then this morning, I felt this fear.
I am really happy with Mr. X right now.
There are some big things happening for us (a whole separate series of blogs there).
But yet, I am frightened.
Beyond just normal relationship fears.
I guess it does not help that Roger died three weeks after his birthday.

As I become more and more happy with him, this fear that he will disappear keeps coming up.
And not just "disappear", but worse.
I am attached to him.
I am happy with him.

I was happy before.
I was attached before.
The true disappearing is that I feel scared Mr. X will die too.
And I know eventually he will.
Everyone dies.
But I am so afraid that as we get closer and closer, it will happen sooner than later.

The selfish part of me what to die first this time.
I do not want to be a widow again.
Please dear God do not let me be a widow again.

Crazy Dreams

Last weekend and early this week, I did not sleep well.

How do I know?

I kept talking in my sleep.

Sure sign of mine that I am not sleeping very well.

It is probably a little bit of stress.

It is the only thing I can really think of.

There were not any super big days going on right now except for normal 23rd and 28th.

So it must be stress.

It started last Thursday night.

Mr. X had to wake me up in the middle of the night because he said I was whimpering.

Very loudly.

Enough to wake him up.

I do not really remember what I was dreaming except all day Friday I kept replaying Roger die.

I even cried a bit on my drive to school.

Then Friday night.

Saturday night.

And Sunday night, Mr. X was awakened by my mumbling.

On Monday night, I remembered one of my dreams.

I am not sure if I mumbled or not since Mr. X returned back to his house, but the dream was very vivid.

To the point that I still remember it today, four days later.

In this dream, I was having my yearly Fourth of July party, also my very most favorite holiday.

I was really bummed because no one except for a few people were at my house and it was already an hour after the party was scheduled to begin.

So I went to my room to cry.

I opened the blinds and saw the most amazing sight.

Snow! Gently falling.

The most beautiful white snow covering my yard and the streets.

So this is why no one was at my house.

It was a miracle. Snow in Florida. In July.

I was so happy.

Snowflakes were gently crashing into my window.

And then... I saw a cardinal.

A bright red cardinal flying through the air.

It was a beautiful dream.

And for some reason very comforting.

Valentine's Day

Amid the many other reasons I picked February for our wedding month, I wanted a good reason for that ridiculous holiday celebrated today.

I have hated Valentine's Day for a long long time.

Overpriced food.

Overpriced service at restaurants.

Crappy flowers everywhere.

Overuse of the color red.

It just sucks.

If single, if taken, if married, if human, it sucks.

At least if my wedding anniversary resided in the same month, it would not have to be celebrated at all.

I dreamed of the days where I could say, "Our anniversary is in just a few days, let's celebrate then instead."

But I never got to say those words.

In 2008, we decided not to celebrate at all.

We told each other and the billion and one people that asked that we got each other a wedding for Valentine's Day.

We paid for the wedding ourselves so it was a valid excuse.

The most wonderful Valentine's gift ever really.

And this year, even though I have my wonderful Mr. X and he is trying so hard.

I am still a bit grumpy.

Maybe it is that the actual day to celebrate is in nine days.

I just read this entry from last year.

And most of my friends have pretty much forgotten about me.

Even one mass text message from a friend.

Yeah, fucking Happy Valentine's Day to everyone in her phone...

And to steal the words of another widow:

"Cherish your loved ones every day because you never know when their next breath may be their last....And this Valentine's Day, to really show your love, instead of buying flowers or candy, make sure you have a will and life insurance."

Our First and My Birthday

When Roger and I first met, it was two days before my twenty-fifth birthday.

But I already had plans.

Plans with another guy that I had just realized I liked.

And as many people know, right after that first meeting with Roger, I emailed Roger that I wanted to be "just friends".

It was a blow off and I figured I would never see Roger again.

Roger took it to heart and tried to be my friend.

"Just friends." Ha. Ha. Ha.

So a year later, we were dating.

Actually a little more than dating.

Roger had been threatening to propose since February 2006.

Yes, only about three months after we were officially dating.

I kept telling him not yet.

I was not sure I wanted to marry him.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

About seven weeks before our year meeting anniversary, I had given Roger permission to propose to me.

After a vacation together.

After I realized I had a pretty good traveling partner.

To celebrate our first anniversary of meeting each other and my birthday, we got a hotel at Disney World.

We stayed at one of the nicer resorts since we had a discount.

First thing we did was check out the pool.

And like mature adults, both of us became excited at the pool.

It had a water slide.

We quickly put on our swim suits.

Along with our eight year old counterparts, we ran up to the slide to wait our turn.

With huge smiles, we splashed into the pool.

Again. Again. And again.

It was quite humorous I am sure for the parents watching two grown adults running toward the slide along with their kids.

Waiting our turn.

And coming down as fast as we could.

Roger had the biggest smile plastered to his face.

It was so cute.

I was so proud.

It was a fantastic weekend.

He was my best friend.

More than just friends.

And there was no one I would have wanted to spend the day with.

Especially my birthday.

It was after that moment, I knew I wanted for sure to marry him.

Without a doubt.

Some Good News

So I realized that I do not post a lot of good news on here.

And there are good things in my life.

Many good things.

So in order to remind myself and to show others here are some good things from the last month or so.

1. I finished my fall semester with straight As. I am very proud of myself.

At my orientation back last summer, the staff said to be warned of how my grades would slip when I came to the big university. Boy, were they wrong. I did well even in the hardest class of my life.

2. I passed my state teaching exam in biology. So after I graduate (and pass the professional educators test), I will be able to teach biology for middle or high school. This test was harder than I thought it was going to be. I had to know even the affects of DDT on pelican eggs before it was banned in 1971. FYI, it was theorized that it prevented their eggs from having a hard shell and they ended up with a weird mess in their nests. This also occurred in other birds such as eagles.

3. I got a job. I will be a teaching assistant for one of my professor's from last semester. It is only ten hours each week but it is better than no job I suppose. I am excited as I will probably gain some skills in teaching. Most of the students are college freshman and sophomores so maybe I will also gain some insight into high schoolers.

4. Things with Mr. X are going well. He is so patient with me and so kind. He seems to love to take care of me which feels really nice. We had a nice time at Christmas and I am still very much enjoying his company.

So things are not all bad here in my life. Some things are good. Some things are very good.

A New Year

Rambling ahead...

I have not looked yet, but I can imagine there are quite a few blog posts talking about the new year.

Perhaps with resolutions.

Perhaps with ideas about things to do.

Perhaps remembering the best things of 2009.

Or the past decade.

This entry has been in my head for a few days.

About a week actually.

Since Christmas I would say.

Which is about a week so that makes sense I guess.

Like I have mentioned, New Year's Day is hard for me.

Both New Year's Eve and New Year's Day.

It is a passage of time.

A marker in the sand.

A reminder that time is moving forward.

Constantly moving forward.

That I am moving in time.

Getting older even.

And Roger is not.

Roger is stuck in 2008.

He will never be part of this year or this decade (physically).

It is disturbing to me.

Knowing he will never see me graduate.

Knowing he will never see me turn thirty.

Knowing he will never see me as a mother.

Knowing one day I will turn thirty-five and he never did.

Knowing he did not even see a black president get elected.

I feel like he is missing so much.

There is also the feeling that time just cannot be stopped.

That life keeps moving.

That people will start to forget.

That people will move away.

That people will drift apart.

It also blows my mind that Roger was not part of 2009 at all.

He did not see one minute of 2009.

In 2008, I at least had him for most of the year.

That so many good things happened for us in that year.

And also the worst things.

I am not sure what the next year will bring me.

I am not sure what the next decade will bring me.

But as far as resolutions and making promises to myself, I will keep being myself.

I will keep telling people what I need and give myself a break.

Because this journey is not over.

It only ends when I end.

Then it will be someone else's journey...