Tuesday, March 29, 2011

It's the Small Things

At this point in my grief, it is the small, seemingly meaningless things that get me.

After Roger and I got married, with a little bit of hesitation on my part, we combined checking accounts.
Now we did the system of ours, yours, and mine.
Ours was to be the household stuff and the majority of our money.
But each of us would have our own small checking account that we would deposit a smaller amount from each paycheck.
That way neither could complain about a shiny new purse or a new martial arts toy.
And added bonus, if we bought a gift for one another, the evidence was not readily available.
It took me till about June 2008, four months after the wedding, to get up the courage to have most of my paycheck and all the small details taken care of to have "our" checking account.
It was one of Roger's old accounts that had great benefits.
The account was originally from the days when First Union was around.
This was hard for me.  I had been on my own since I was 17.
Almost ten years at this point.
Now my money was our money.

After Roger died, I took his name off the account (due to the fact his death was after a car accident). Slowly over the last three years, Wachovia and now Wells Fargo changed the terms so much that even old accounts, like Roger's, are not as efficient.
So I need to close it.  And I am trying.

It is a small thing.
A meaningless thing.
It is just a checking account.
Come. On.
But it was ours.
And way before that, it was his.
And now, its another thing that is disappearing that was part of him.
That belonged to him.
So I have been dragging my feet.
I have not been very aggressive in getting this done.
I opened a new account before Christmas.
And yet it is March almost April.
Now, I have been busy but there is part of me that is dreading pulling the plug, again.

It is the small things.


Janine (txmomx6) said...

Sigh ........

Suddenwidow said...

The little things become the biggest things as time moves on because they are the personal, intimate things that I miss most. Sigh....

Autumn said...

I am considering washing John's dirty clothes that I have....
so i get you.
they are sitting in my closet in a garbage bag. but i never have the heart to do it.

Widow in Oz said...

I feel for you. At close to 5 years on, my late husband is still co-nominee on one banking account & his name is still on our car registration. I know without a doubt that it is a legal requirement to change these to my name, but it feels as though I am totally obliterating him. Someday, I will amend this situation.

Jenni said...

I came across your Blog this morning - awake at 5am again! I know I am a lot older than you (56), but so much of what you say just resonates with me.... I had lived a very independent life for over ten years before I met my love. Like you, it took me a long time to let go and let my walls down. He wanted me to depend on him - and in the end I did. I so wish I hadnt let all those barriers down now. We met in 2002, engaged in 2004, married in 2006...eight and a half years of absolute bliss. I thought that I would never be alone again. We shared everything, on an equal basis - we were partners in everything. He loved me unconditionally. I was happy. He had an abdominal aortic aneurysm which ruptured in December 10. No warning. I too was told he would not survive (five days later) and the machines were turned off. Thank you so much for writing this blog. You have put into words a lot of the things I am feeling right now - and words are not coming easily to me right now. I just had to say thank you. Jenni x

Valerie Willman said...

For me it was the toothbrush.
I could give away his clothes even, but the toothbrush took forever.
And actually.
Not to gross you out ....
I actually still have the pregnancy test strip that I peed on the night he died.
And that was ten years ago.