Saturday, July 16, 2011

The Dress

Last time, I had my wedding dress within the first thirty days of being engaged.
And that was way early.
Roger and I were engaged for a total of sixteen months. 

Mr. X and I have been engaged for two and a half months.
I have walked into one bridal shop for about fifteen minutes.  
But I have not tried one dress on.

First, because I am scared of it.
I know I will feel like a bride for sure then.
It will truly sink in.
A bride.  Widow-ness in the shadows. 
Right now I feel like I am planning a party mostly.
And a tiny bit like a bride. 

Secondly, because I am not happy with my body.
I remember looking at my wedding photos to Roger on my first anniversary.
I was huge.
I did not feel huge then.
But once I went on the dead-husband diet, I was so skinny.
And I looked pretty hot and sexy. 
I was hot when Mr. X met me.
And although I am working on it with diet and exercise, I know I will not be where I want to be.
I do not feel hot.
I do not feel sexy.
I feel huge.
And I will be a huge bride again.
Which makes me sad.

So part of me wants to wait.
Wait on my body.
Wait on my spirit.
But then the planner part of me wants to check it off the list.
Even the online checklist is yelling at me to start shopping.

I partly want to go alone.
But I know I will regret that decision within about five minutes.
In my very brief walk into that one bridal store, I was trembling.
And I wanted my friend who was waiting with her daughter (no children were allowed) to be by my side.  

I know I have until September/October to do this.
But I also know my life will get super busy very, very soon.
I wish I could lift my confidence.
I think that would help me.
Confidence, please go up.  


Crash Course Widow said...

I can totally understand how that aspect of wedding planning can/could be really hard. I know I went craziest (relatively speaking) over the wedding dress part the first time around…and ooooohhhhhhhh, how I understand your feelings about your body after the Dead Husband Diet, because I feel the same way. If I'd just stayed the same as I had been when I got married, instead of dropping down to a size 6 for a while because I was too sad to remember to eat (plus from being so sick before Charley died), then how I am now *might* not be so upsetting.

You have plenty of time, though, my friend. If you're not up for it until next winter or early spring, that's okay. No one cares when you buy your dress, and no matter what it is, you'll look beautiful in it.

And I think taking a friend or two who really, truly understands might be really helpful. What about your widowed friend in town? If she's up for it, I can't think of too many other people who'd understand and be supportive of your conflicted feelings. (And hell, if you wanna fly to Portland, we can go wedding dress shopping--or avoiding--anytime! ;o))

Hang in there, my friend.

Much love,

Janine (txmomx6) said...

Star, I agree with Candice ... you have time to lose a bit more weight. Yeah, the Dead Husband Diet .... 20 lbs in 2 weeks, and I wasn't overweight to begin with.
I can imagine how scary it must feel to think that you might be putting your "widowness" in the shadows. Or maybe you think that others will think that way? My stomach hurt when I read that part. We don't have want our husbands to be in the shadows .... ever. But here's what I think, and hopefully what I'll be able to hang onto if that time ever comes for me: our husbands aren't in the shadows. Roger is very much implanted in your heart, as Jim is in mine. And here's the amazing thing, which is what you find out once you become a mother, especially a mother for the second time --- our hearts are awesome things .... they continue to grow as we continue to love. Mine grew hugely the instant our first was born. And when I was pregnant with the second (well, and third ... twins) I was so afraid that I would not be able to love those babies as much as I loved my first. It didn't seem possible. And I know I'm not alone in having felt that way. But the moment the next one came .... pow! There went my heart .... a whole 'nother size!
So it is when we fall in love with someone again, if we are as blessed as you have been. :) Roger is still in your heart and your heart grew bigger as you fell in love with Mr. X. You are very, very blessed. And, you being you, I have no doubt that Mr. X loves you totally and unconditionally. No matter what your wedding picture may look like. Hopefully his eyes looking into yours will make you feel hot, and sexy, for him. Because of him.
And maybe there's this ..... a picture of you looking skinny would have reminded you of the grief. Now that you're not skinny ..... you're happy, right? Well, except for the weight but set that aside for a moment. You are happier in your life. You have found joy. You have found love. And that, my friend, will be what you see in that picture. Just look into the two sets of eyes when you get your pics.
I wish you the best with the dress shopping. Take friends ... and champagne. And watch the fun begin. : )