And that was way early.
Roger and I were engaged for a total of sixteen months.
Mr. X and I have been engaged for two and a half months.
I have walked into one bridal shop for about fifteen minutes.
But I have not tried one dress on.
First, because I am scared of it.
I know I will feel like a bride for sure then.
It will truly sink in.
A bride. Widow-ness in the shadows.
Right now I feel like I am planning a party mostly.
And a tiny bit like a bride.
Secondly, because I am not happy with my body.
I remember looking at my wedding photos to Roger on my first anniversary.
I was huge.
I did not feel huge then.
But once I went on the dead-husband diet, I was so skinny.
And I looked pretty hot and sexy.
I was hot when Mr. X met me.
And although I am working on it with diet and exercise, I know I will not be where I want to be.
I do not feel hot.
I do not feel sexy.
I feel huge.
And I will be a huge bride again.
Which makes me sad.
So part of me wants to wait.
Wait on my body.
Wait on my spirit.
But then the planner part of me wants to check it off the list.
Even the online checklist is yelling at me to start shopping.
I partly want to go alone.
But I know I will regret that decision within about five minutes.
In my very brief walk into that one bridal store, I was trembling.
And I wanted my friend who was waiting with her daughter (no children were allowed) to be by my side.
I know I have until September/October to do this.
But I also know my life will get super busy very, very soon.
I wish I could lift my confidence.
I think that would help me.
Confidence, please go up.