Lately quite a few people have told me I look happy.
And I am happy.
I do not want people to think I am not happy.
I am definitely in a better place emotionally.
And maybe this is selfish but sometimes I am afraid to say "I am happy."
I am afraid people will suddenly be like "Oh good, I can stop asking about you and go on with my own life."
I am afraid people will think I do not think of Roger or still love Roger.
I am afraid people will think the grief is over.
I still have sleepless nights.
I still have a permanent video tape that runs through my head of the accident.
And another one of Roger actually dying.
It has recently been on almost full time.
There is still a part of me that is sad.
I still cry on a fairly regular basis.
But I do not talk about it.
Or even let anyone, including Mr. X, see me cry.
I try to think back before all of this.
Was I ever truly "happy" before?
Did I answer "I am happy" before?
In fact, I did say it before.
But back then I did HATE my job.
I did have insomnia every Sunday night.
And I was not completely happy with my body.
But I still answered "I am happy".
I almost feel like people are tired of me.
They want me to be happy so they can feel released.
And part of me wants to give it to them.
And part of me does not.