Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The Other Shoe Has Dropped

Yesterday I received some heartbreaking news.
I knew this would happen.
I almost knew this was true.

A few years ago my sister was diagnosed with some clotting disorders which have caused her to miscarry several times.
Being sisters, I knew I may have a risk of also having these genetic disorders.
About a month ago at my yearly check-up, my own OB/Gyn insisted that I get tested now since there may be some contraindications of taking hormonal birth control and having these disorders.
So on May 13, I gave eleven tubes of blood.
I prayed that everything would be normal.
I prayed I was not broken.
That somehow my genetics would be completely different than my sister.
By some miracle.
Don't I deserve a miracle?

Last night I saw my doctor's name and number appear on my phone.
I have been trying to get the results back for the last week like a mad woman.
I answered the call to hear my doctor's voice on the line.
She confirmed my gut.
Yes, I have both MTHFR mutation and protein C deficiency.
No more hormonal birth control for me.
And hard pregnancies in the future.

I have been on hormonal birth control this time for about eight and half years.
It has kept my PCOS under control.
Which I have no idea how that is going to play out now.
Mr. X and I were not planning on trying for children for at least two more years but now it looks like that may get pushed up a year if it is going to be harder for me to get pregnant and harder to stay pregnant.
Something I did not even want to do until almost two years ago.
Part of me wishes I still did not want children.
At least maybe then the heartache would be less.

Why can't I get a break?!
Why can't things just be easy from now on?!
Can't I get some sort of immunity from bad things happening?


cwdurbin said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. You have been through so much already and it's heartbreaking to find that there is more to come.

Not that there is a bright side to your diagnoses but at least you were smart to get tested after your sister. Now you know what obstacles you have in store and you can try to prepare for the work involved. Those of us in the IF community struggle daily with our seemingly unobtainable goals.

There is a wonderful blogger community that is very supportive. Many of these women have been very helpful to me. Good luck to you.

Faith said...

So sorry to heat this start--but echoing cwdurbin, at least you know. Many thoughts and prayers in these days.
I also wanted to share this info--Lew and I have been eating this way on and off for the past 6 months and the "on" months we feel amazing....we're motivated for similar reasons of starting a family in a healthier state to stay "on" more than off.
Be sure to read this recent story:

Autumn said...

I often ask those questions too, Star. Even Ryan gets frustrated and says "why does bad stuff keep happening to you?!" he feels like he can't control many of the situations... just like i know Mr. X feels the same way. I still have complete faith in your future! I know this sounds cheesy... but look at the GOOD things you have. You have a second chance at love... and some people don't even get one chance at it. this is something i remind myself of daily. it's just one thing that i have to hold on to right now. all i can really tell you is that i am here for YOU. that i always will be... just a phone call away.