Sunday, February 21, 2010

"All the single ladies..."

I went to a wedding last night.
It was hard.
February wedding.
About three weeks into the month.
It was eerily familiar. Just two years off.
I remember when I found out this couple were engaged.
The last day of my own honeymoon.

I kept my tears to a minimum.
I am pretty sure I hid it well.
At least people let me pretend I did.

It is the vows that get me the most.
"For the rest of your lives" or the traditional "Till death do you part."
And then the first dance.
I remember how happy I felt.
How on top of the world.
Only to come crashing down six short months later.

Then I get hit in the gut.
The fucking bouquet toss.
"All you single ladies come out to the floor," the DJ announces.
Followed by: "Those of you have never been married or have been divorced for at least six months."
Well, neither of those fit me now do they.
I bet the MC/DJ does not even think there may a recently widowed person there who might be slightly offended and annoyed.
I did not really want to go.
My friends insisted. I just wanted to sit there.

Two years ago I was tossing the bouquet.
Last night, I stood on the edge of the group of single ladies watching the bride happily toss hers to all the "single" ladies.
My hands behind my back.

I do want to get married again.
But I am not the typical single girl.
I do not want to catch that damn bouquet.
I had my own bouquet.
I am not single by choice.
I did not decide to be single.
And having Mr. X does NOT make it better.

Yes, he is a great guy.
But this is not a replacement game.
This is not "Oh you must be better now because you are dating."
It is like telling a child how a step-parent is a replacement for their missing Mom or Dad.
It is not the same.



Jennifer M Karn said...

I don't know if it's in the water or what, but everyone seems to be talking about dating this week. I mentioned it in my blog and several other widows/widowers have mentioned it in theirs. Some are dating, like you, and others are not, like me. I want to literally throw up when I think about dating. Not that I don't want to date, but more like I can't, not yet. Wishing you wellness.

Janine (txmomx6) said...

Star ....
You are so very right ..... it is not the same.
Not at all.
I'm sorry that the dj was such an idiot.

annie said...

Th opposite of "not the same" isn't "bad" necessarily. My daughter loves her step-father and he loves her. I don't think the lack of biology is a factor though being adopted myself, I come at this from a different world view to begin with.

I didn't ask to be made single again by my first husband's death. It just happened - like life does. I went through a period where I grappled with the whole idea of "fair" where widowhood was concerned but decided that "fair" is a human measure which varies depending on how one chooses to view life.

Meeting and falling in love with my second husband did make things better. Not a popular view among the widowed but that's my experience.

Weddings can cause me to think about the reality of the vow, which people don't in the moment, but mostly I see them as positive and life affirming in the face of an unknown future.

Mars Girl said...

I avoided the bouquet toss for a few years... I couldnt do it when I still didnt think of myself as single... which was until I stopped checking "widowed" on any form I had to fill out. Weddings are a real trial of temperance... even today, almost 9 years later, I struggle with them. It still hurts a little.

Sara said...

I just found your blog (through @freshwidow) Just wanted to let you know I'm a young widow, and my husband, named Roger, also died of massive brain injury, (but died instantly.) Can't believe so many of the similarities in our stories! Nice to find you (although sorry for the reason)