To go home.
Take off all my clothes.
Crawl into my bed.
Pull the covers over my head.
And sleep until it is all "better".
It is not one major thing.
It is a million tiny things.
Nothing that most people cannot handle.
Things that will resolve themselves but in the mean time really drain all the energy from my being.
Things that must be taken care of as soon as possible.
Things like these that remind me of how fragile I still am.
One of my cats is a little sick.
I am sure she is fine.
Or will be fine.
But the thought of her not being fine rocks me at my core.
I cannot lose either of my cats.
I heard a few weeks ago that cats are great because they keep us in a routine.
And when that stability this morning was rocked just a little it has a pendulum like effect on me.
A little rattle at the top has a huge impact on the swinging mass.
I cannot take this rocking.
So I cancelled my long overdue massage and made a vet appointment.
Then there is the rain.
It is dreary and gloomy.
I was caught out in it.
No umbrella which is not unusual for me but annoying nonetheless.
It was not just a sprinkle.
It was a downpour.
And I was almost late to class.
In true Florida fashion, it turned to a slight sprinkle about sixty seconds before I got into the classroom building.
After soaking me.
Upon leaving the class, same thing. Reverse order.
Starting sprinkling and then started to downpour.
Ninety minutes later, I am still wet with no reprieve in sight.
And on top of all this, it is exam week.
Third week of class and I have two "lovely" exams to prepare for and take.
So add another wonderful stresser on top of the growing list of normal stuff.
Then, three weeks to my anniversary I realized this morning.
I can already feel it creeping into me.
It is only halfway through this day.
And two days into this month.
And I cannot disappear.
I must continue to pretend to be okay.
To put on the mask and smile.
Make small talk with my peers.
Do my various chores and jobs.