This is somewhat of a repeat emotion but...
Yesterday was Mr. X's birthday.
I was super excited to celebrate with him.
I wanted to make the day special for him.
I bought him a couple of gifts.
Made us dinner (except it did not taste very good).
And I made him a birthday cake.
And then this morning, I felt this fear.
I am really happy with Mr. X right now.
There are some big things happening for us (a whole separate series of blogs there).
But yet, I am frightened.
Beyond just normal relationship fears.
I guess it does not help that Roger died three weeks after his birthday.
As I become more and more happy with him, this fear that he will disappear keeps coming up.
And not just "disappear", but worse.
I am attached to him.
I am happy with him.
I was happy before.
I was attached before.
The true disappearing is that I feel scared Mr. X will die too.
And I know eventually he will.
But I am so afraid that as we get closer and closer, it will happen sooner than later.
The selfish part of me what to die first this time.
I do not want to be a widow again.
Please dear God do not let me be a widow again.