More Holiday Stuff, Part 3 (?)

Last year was so "easy" during the holidays.

I remember being shocked.

I did not even cry on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

I felt fine.

This year... it is not so easy.

It is hard.

And it sucks.

I cannot get away from holiday stuff.

It is on sitcoms.

It is on the radio.

It is on the news.

Gift ideas.

Countdowns.

Christmas trees.

Christmas lights.

Last night I watched "Grey's Anatomy".

I love that show.

It is one of my favorites.

But it put me over the edge last night.

There was a brain dead kid.

They were using him for a heart transplant.

I lost it.

And I cried for the next hour and half.

I miss Roger so much.

I just want things to be different.

I want him to be here.

I want to set up our tree together.

I want to decorate together.

But I do not want to do it alone.

Or with others.

I want Roger!

And I get why Christmas season is when people commit suicide.

I am not suicidal.

Let me repeat, I am not suicidal.

I just get it.

I get how Christmas, happiness, gifts, family, love, blah, blah, blah, can be overwhelming.

Especially when the grief monster is around the corner.

Especially when I am constantly reminded of my loss.

I do not skip school but this morning I could not function.

I woke up.

Took a shower.

And then crawled back into bed.

My eyes are way too puffy.

I am way too emotionally drained.

I would stay in bed if I could.

But alas I cannot.

I must keep going.

And wait for these holidays to pass.

I just need to get to January and ignore that February will be around the corner.

The Ring, Again

Over a month ago, I took my ring to be cleaned.

I am 99% sure my ring was fine when I handed it over.

When the jewelry store woman returned it to me, she made the comment, "Nice design. I love the smiley face."

"Thanks. What smiley face? I've never noticed a smiley face."

To my horror, one of my wedding band diamonds encircling my engagement diamond was missing.

I was shocked.

I know it was there five minutes before.

Jewelry store woman said it was like that when I gave it to her.

But thanks to a warranty on the ring and the diamonds, it would be replaced.

Yeah, replaced with a non-wedding band diamond.

Replaced with a diamond that has no sentimental value.

I tried explaining this to the jewelry store woman.

I do not think she really cared.

But yes, I wanted it replaced.

And it was.

But I lost one of the wedding band diamonds.

It was not just the monetary value I lost, it was more.

I was upset to say the least.

Now, I am scared to wear it.

Great... just great.

Another weird thing is when I do wear it, people have been noticing it.

And commenting.

Mostly just "nice ring" or "pretty ring" is what I hear.

And I mostly just say "Thanks" and keep moving especially with people I am never likely to see again like a cashier but also lately I have also been divulging information about the ring to classmates.

I guess I am kind of proud of it (?).

Of what it represents.

Of how I had a huge part in what it looks like.

But I before I just jump into "Oh, this is my engagement ring and wedding ring combined. See, my husband died and I wanted to keep wearing the ring but just not 'the' ring" I sort of pause but sort of not.

I try to judge if the person can handle hearing this story but only as I start to tell it.

The story almost falls automatically out of my mouth and then I hear the words coming out of my mouth and feel guilty and I want to stop.

But I cannot.

I stumble over each next word.

"Crap, now what will this person think?"

"Great, where will this go next?"

I should just say "Thanks" and keep moving.

I really should stop freaking people out.

What is this newish need to divulge again?

Agh...

More Holiday Stuff

I am about 80% sure what I want to do for Christmas.

At least for today.

I am like a pendulum swinging on this one thing.

I am still seriously debating finding a quarter to flip to completely make the decision.

Two out of three should be sufficient I think.

But I am also afraid of what will happen if I go against the coins.

Like they will be angry if I go against what they "determine".

The pro/con list method is not working either.

I am too afraid I will make the decision and I will need something different the actual day.

And both of these options are not something I can change my mind about easily.

The thing that pisses me off is that these decisions were already made.

We had a plan.

We had a fucking plan.

We discussed our holiday plans in our pre-marital counseling.

It was part of the program to discuss before our marriage.

Thanksgiving would be at our house (which we only had two together, one in the old house and one in this house).

We would invite both our families and friends.

I could use my new roasting pan.

For now/then, we would do Christmas in Miami.

We would make a trip to Virginia to visit my family when we could.

Roger was a bit afraid he may freeze if we went in December.

Which he did freeze in May during our trip.

New Years Eve would be up in the air.

Probably in Orlando.

We would find a friend's party to attend.

Everything was set.

It was a good plan.

Our plan.

I hate that these plans are in shreds.

I do not want to remake these decisions.

I hate that I have to remake these decisions.

Last year, I hid from my holiday life with Roger.

Thanksgiving was spent with my friend Cecilia.

Christmas with my friend Elizabeth and her family.

Things I had done before Roger existed in my life.

Familiar things but no memories associated with Roger.

I could pretend Roger was just missing for whatever reason.

I could pretend he was not dead.

He was just on a separate visit to his family or friends.

Man, I wish.

This year I am going to slightly acknowledge the holidays.

But only slightly.

Warm back up to the holiday thing.

At least I have a "solid" plan for Thanksgiving.

I am going to Miami for Thanksgiving to spend the weekend with Roger's family.

I am slightly excited to see them.

But I am nervous.

Celebrating without him.

This Thanksgiving will be similar yet different than our plan.

But then... then there is Christmas.

Sigh...

Already not my favorite holiday before all this.

Already a stressful month for me.

I am having trouble figuring out what I want.

Where do I want to be?

And I have options.

I have lots of people presenting options to me.

But I am debating between two.

I just have no idea what will be best for me.

What will I want on the actual day?

Right now, I would prefer to just close all the blinds.

Lock all the doors.

And stay in bed.

No shower.

No makeup.

I do not want to do Christmas really.

But I made promises.

First, I promised my mom I would acknowledge the day.

So I pulled down the Christmas decor from the attic.

Now the crap is mocking me from the garage.

Ours. Mine. And his.

His stocking.

His manger scene.

His ornaments.

I need to sort through it.

Something I skipped last year.

But I will put some of it up.

Some.

Last year, I refused to decorate.

I had two ornaments hung to a bulletin board.

A friend of mine had given them to me during Christmas last year.

They were the only things to indicate that Christmas was in the air.

The second promise I made to my mother is that I will not wake up alone in my house.

Or alone in any house.

This is the harder promise for me.

If left up to my own devices, being alone would be the option I would choose.

But I won't.

I made a promise.

I just cannot go to Miami.

It is too close to the old way.

The way things are suppose to be.

Not this year.

Not yet.

I hate Hate HATE having to remake these decisions.

They were made.

Our plan was made.

And here I am making it alone.

Where is that quarter?

Paranoia #459

Paranoia comes in a lot of forms for me.

I encounter it a lot while driving.

I guess that one is obvious.

And one that keeps bothering me in the last few days.

One that has been consuming some brain power...

What if my friends do not like Mr. X?

What if they are too scared to tell me?

Maybe they do not want to hurt me?

Perhaps they see that I am happy and do not want to disturb that?

It scares me a lot.

My friends are important to me.

And I want to be able to have both my friends and Mr. X.

To be able to hang out together.

To plan dinners together.

Game nights.

Beach days.

I do not want my friends to stop hanging out with me because of a guy.

And sometimes I think they are already doing this (thus the title of this blog).

I wonder if they would ever say something.

I wonder if they would see something I do not (not necessarily Mr. X but anyone).

I wonder if they would let me marry someone who they do not believe is the right person.

Just more of my paranoia...

More effects of the grief monster.

He has many disguises that do not disappear just because a year has gone by.

One Day...

A fellow blogger and friend wrote me an email the other day about the post regarding Roger's tears at our wedding.

And she hit the nail on the head.

I am thinking a lot about my next wedding.

I actually had a nightmare a few nights ago.

Not that I am anywhere close to having another wedding.

But... I cannot help but think.

To think what if.

To wonder what it will be like.

To dream.

To have nightmares.

To plan, again.

As long as the man is worthy, I will marry again.

I want to marry again.

I want to wear the dress.

Walk down the aisle.

Eat the cake.

Dance the night away.

Be married.

But... I know it will be hard.

I know the planning will remind me.

The first time I planned a wedding.

The first time I picked flowers.

A dress.

Vendors.

A place.

Invitations.

I know that this new person will have to be heavily involved.

I had my day.

I had pretty much everything I wanted.

I dread the influx of memories.

I know they will be there.

I know the grief monster will be there.

I do not know how I will be able to not think about Roger.

About our day.

About our marriage.

I know there will be lots of tears.

I also wonder if anyone will be brave enough to say something.

Either privately or publicly.

Will someone mention him?

Will someone be brave enough to say something to me?

Will someone remember him?

I kind of hope so.

At least that is what I hope now.

I hope that I will not be the only one remembering him.

Thinking of him.

I also know that I will be a mess on the sixth month anniversary.

The one year anniversary.

And especially on August 22nd.

August 28th.

February 23rd.

Luckily, I am not crossing these bridges today or tomorrow.

Or even next week.

I have time.

At least I think I have time...

One day...

P.S.

This is a side note to today's previous post:

One person mentioned to me one time before the accident I should be careful because God may take all of this away from me.

I was not a gloating person.

I would not have boasted at the reunion.

If anything, I would not have said much at all.

I would have just been me.

I would have been happy.

And uhmm, I am sorry but I cannot believe that for one minute.

I was not ungrateful or undeserving.

I went through a lot of crap in my life.

Why should I always suffer?

Why should I always get the shit end of the stick?

If God is my father then why would a father do this to his child.

Sorry... I really do not think God works that way...

Yeah... a bit of a tangent that still burns me.

Ugh!!

I am sure that person never thought I would lose my husband.

But still...

I cannot believe God is like that.

I Didn't...

As many know, the day of the accident, Roger and I were on our way to the airport.

We were going to visit Virginia for my ten year high school reunion.

I was excited.

I was excited to say I was married and happy.

I was excited to say I had a good job with good money.

I was excited to say we had a nice house.

I was excited to see people I had not seen in nine to ten years.

The night before we left, I went to bed early.

I was tired from work and I wanted to be well rested for our trip.

Roger stayed up for a little while.

He was gearing up his iPod.

Downloading songs. Navigating all the features.

I had given it to him on his birthday.

He had not used it yet.

He never used it.

I remember when he came to bed.

I smiled at him.

I was very sleepy.

I rolled over to my side of the bed and went to sleep.

I didn't snuggle with him.

Like most couples, we would snuggle before we went to sleep.

Only for about five to ten minutes.

Then one or both of us would roll over to our respective sides and then go to sleep.

But that night.

I didn't.

We had a million other nights ahead of us.

Something Roger had reminded me of continuously through a relationship.

"It is okay if we do not to , we have time dear."

"Yes dear."

But we didn't have time.

At most we had around 1,000 potential nights together.

And on this last night, I didn't snuggle with him.

It really bothers me.

I have to continuously tell myself that I didn't know.

I did not know it would be the last night.

But it does not help that feeling.

The feeling that I missed an opportunity.

Among so many...

I didn't.