Tuesday, November 30, 2010

My Ring, Again

I swear I feel like each November/December since widowness I have had ring issues.
Two years ago, I had my ring redesigned and a meltdown in the store.
Last year,  I lost a stone from the old wedding band and had a slight meltdown.
This year, at least my meltdown was when I was alone.

I went to get my ring inspected.
The stone from the engagement ring part was loose.  It was twisting in the setting.
I cannot imagine losing that!
So they had to take it away from me.
Only for a day but...

Then I turned around.
A face.
So familiar.
Wait, she was here four years ago.
The November I received my ring.
She is the one who helped Roger and me find the perfect diamond.
She was sweet and non-pressuring.
Does she recognize me?
Did she hear about the redesign and meltdown?
Does she just think I am a divorcee?

On my drive home, I looked down at my hand and noticed I now have a ring tan.
On my right hand. Not my left.
I did not cry in the store this time.
I cried in my car.

Roger, I miss you.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Unplanned Flashback

Two blogs post in one day...
This hasn't happened for a while.

"Something has happened" were not the words I expected to hear this morning during the first period of my student teaching day.
My supervising teacher and I were not sure what to think.
What could be happening.
Then eventually the news came.
One of the popular, sweet, smart students had died.
A student I had just watched that morning on the [prerecorded] announcements.

Then I saw.
Their pain.
The teachers' sadness.
I wanted to help.
I wanted to relate.
But how much is too much?
Where is my place in all of this?

The news spread.
I watched as students broke down.
My heart breaking for them..
Remembering my own heart break.
My questions.
My fear.

I want to stop it but I cannot.
I want to protect them but it is too late.

It is not fair.
It is not fair for kids to know this at their age.
For God's sake, they are only fourteen at the most.
It is too early for them.

Then I think of the parents.
The siblings.
Thinking of them as they lay down tonight.
As they go throw the roller coaster of grief.
So unnatural.
So unfair.

I blocked the tears most of the day.

Flashing Back

I am not sure if the flashbacks will ever go away completely.
They certainly are not as raw but still linked with emotion for me.
Sometimes they came out of left field but sometimes they are linked to just a trigger to remind me.

On Saturday night, Mr. X and I went to have dinner with his parents.
We had a nice dinner and then sat down to watch a movie together.
"The Family Stone" was on regular TV and I was the only one who had seen it.
I like the movie as I think it is pretty humorous at times.
I also knew there was sad ending to the movie.

The tears came.
And came.
And came.
Thankfully no one, except Mr. X, could see my face.

At one point in the movie, the oldest daughter lays down with her mother as she is napping.  She wraps her arms around her.
As Roger was being pulled off life support I just wanted to crawl up into the bed with him.
Especially once they pronounced officially gone.
I wanted to wrap my arms around him.  Pull him close to me.
But I couldn't.
Because he was donating his organs, because I was donating his organs, he had only a few minutes before we had to let him go.
Or at least it felt like a few minutes at the time and to me.

At another point, the husband's face as he crawled into bed with his wife truly expressed my feelings.
After I knew Roger was going to die, crawling into bed was painful.
Knowing he would never come home to me.
Knowing he would never crawl into bed with me.
I remember those moments so vividly.
Memories are linked to emotions and emotions were certainly high.

At the end of the movie, you see the entire family for their first Christmas without their mom.
Although my first set of holidays were not too bad, my second set hurt a lot.
I was no longer numb.
Emotions were at the surface.
Roger was truly dead the second set of holidays.
The first set he was just not here.

I do not know why I am surprised at how weepy I became.
From the outside, I want to laugh at myself.
Did I really think grief was done with me?
Did I really think I would not think of Roger as the holiday season madly approaches?
At least this year, it does not feel like a boiling pot of water ready to come over the top of the pot.
This year, at least so far, it feels like a few bubbles coming to the surface sporadically.
It reminds me of the sulfur springs in St. Lucia.


Tuesday, November 16, 2010


I cannot think of a cohesive title for this one.
It may end up being a rambling of thoughts.

I met my best friend Holly in the summer of 2007.
A year before things went down.
We met while in the midst of wedding planning.
We clicked pretty much right away.
Since we both worked in front of a computer screen, we would chat for hours as our day ticked by.
Honestly, it was one of the things that helped me get through my job.

At my wedding, she and her fabulous husband Scott helped do some of the set up.
It was part of a barter deal.  They helped us and Roger and I helped them with their set up.
She got married about three months after me.
We were all husbands and wives.
We did dinners together and hung out.
I just knew the four of us would be friends forever.
Just like the movies.

I called Holly the morning of.
One of the three people I called first.
I do not really remember my thinking but I wanted my Holly there.
And she came.
And she did not leave me for days.

Yesterday morning I logged on to my chat program to see if Holly was online.
And she was.
We chatted a few minutes.
Later in the day, I was thinking about my friendship with Holly and how thankful I am for her.
Then I realized something.
Something I knew would happen eventually.
Someone I had met after Roger was around longer than him.
Holly and I have been friends for over three years now.
And Roger and I were just short of three years together.
I know it does not seem like a big deal.
But a part of me coiled at the thought that I could know someone longer than Roger even when I met them after Roger.
Yes, I still get to know Roger third hand after his death.
But not from Roger.
It feels unnatural for this to happen.

And I know there will be a day when I know Mr. X for longer than Roger.
Maybe this is a rehearsal for that day.


Thursday, November 4, 2010

Under Construction

Two days a week I have internship.
I chose this school on purpose but I did not think through the commute too well.
Roger's old house is off the same exit.
The crash site.
Yeah, it is on the commute as well.

I wrote about a long time ago about how the government put a sign up for me in his memory.
Strangely it was really far off the road.
I always wondered why.
People could not even see it was there.
It was upsetting.
I wanted it to remind not just me of the accident but also the other driver.

However, recently I think I may know why.
The road is starting to undergo construction.
So perhaps it will be closer to the road.

Because of all the construction, they have put up temporary barriers.
Part of me gets angry at those barriers.
Why could they not have been there two years ago?!
I have these visions of how different that morning would have been.
Perhaps we would have seen a SUV hitting the barrier.
But it would not have affected me.
It would not have affected Roger.  

But there were no barriers that morning.
Nothing to stop the destruction.