Maybe it is the time of year.
All the holidays and memories.
Or lack there of.
Maybe it is the fact I drove to Miami.
Maybe it is job stress.
Second job stress.
But you have been on my mind.
I love looking at old pictures of you.
The ones of you before I met you.
Of you as a child.
Driving to work this week, I had disbelief battles again.
You didn't really die.
Just can't be real.
I saw you die but it just cannot have happened.
I so miss you.
I wish I could talk to you.
I wish I could hear your voice.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
I do not even know where to start.
I do not want to even go into everything.
So I won't.
But as I posted on facebook this morning, the grief monster has been back.
Now, this time he did not come alone.
He brought big scary accomplices like Paranoia.
During my life, I have said goodbye many times.
When in elementary school, pretty much the moment I considered someone my best friend, they'd move.
It happened over and over again.
It almost felt like a guarantee.
While consulting, it was pretty much a way of life.
I would spend six to eight months living in a city Monday through Thursday.
Only to be moved to a completely new location with new team, new clients, and new city.
It was fun to say the least but it was always sad to leave and say the dreaded goodbye.
Yes, people would say, "We'll keep in touch."
But for most, it was just another required statement with no backing.
So I learned to live in the moment.
I learned to almost keep myself at a distance.
I learned to say goodbye easily.
In 2005, I decided I was done with that non-static lifestyle.
I wanted real relationships.
I wanted a semi-normal routine.
I wanted a home and community.
So I moved back to Orlando.
One of my favorite cities to be in.
Three weeks ago grief and his friends made me scared and stressed.
Two weeks ago he made me paranoid about people I called friends shaking some of the very foundations of me.
And then last week made me nauseous with the loss of friendships.
A different sort of grief but similar feelings nonetheless.
Grief tried to make me doubt myself.
It dug deep into old wounds to reach fresh blood.
In the last week or so, I have had trumpeters telling me all the positive things I am.
I am thankful for those who believe in me.
Thankful for those new and old friendships who have and are trying to defeat the voices of grief, paranoia, and non-truths.
I will prevail.
I will be better for it all.
I will say goodbye.
I will say goodbye.
And when the dust settles I will know the truth.