Wednesday, August 22, 2012


Sleep has been escaping me the last few days.
And this year it is not due to the first days of school.
So I am grumpy.
And tired. 

A few nights ago, I had a somewhat disturbing dream.
Part of the dream I have about every other month.
I will describe that part of the dream first.
When I first moved out of my parents' house, I moved in with my boyfriend of the time.
One time, and only one time, when we broke up, I moved back home.
For about forty-eight hours. 
It was not a terrible experience.
But some reason, I am terrified the possibility of this occurring again.
So I dream of it.
At least every other month and, in the dream, for a weird variety of reasons.
I wake up immediately and I am relieved that I am actually at my own place.
And I do not need to move back home.
Or pack.
Or find a new place to live.

Well, a few nights ago, I dreamt I had to move home again.
But this time it was because Roger and I were getting divorced.
I was so upset because it was my second marriage. 
I have no idea who I married the first time.
My sister was living at home too. 
We were back to sharing a room.
She was helping me pack. 
Also, I can never find all my stuff during this reoccurring dream. 
Which is frustrating as hell.
In this particular dream, another ex-boyfriend of mine was helping me find a new place.
It was very strange but Roger was alive.
And he looked good but he would not talk to me.
I woke up in a panic.

Then last night I could not help but think of the shirt Roger wore August 21, 2008.
I still have it.
It hangs in my closet.
I have never worn it.
Although it has been washed once.
After he died. Boo on me.

I remember him coming home from the rental house.
It had been pouring from Tropical Storm Fay.
I had just straightened my hair chemically for the first time.
I remember where I was sitting on the sofa.
I remember Roger just standing there. After driving in pouring rain.
He was frustrated with driving.
I smiled at him. Trying to get him to notice my new hair.
Less than ten hours later.
My heartache begin.
And prayers went unanswered.