Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Another Birthday...

Yes, it is my birthday next week.
A week from tomorrow.
And I realize it is not a big deal for most people.
I realize for most it is just another day.
And I realize this is not a "big" one like 21 or 30 or 40.
I will only be 29. Not a big deal to anyone but me.

But for me, it has really never been just another ordinary day.
Not just a day to get through.
For me, it is the one day no one can take away.
The government can control a lot of things like taxes and a billion death forms to be completed, but they cannot take away my birthday.
Even when I die, it will still be my birthday.
I may have to work or go to school or whatever, but it is still my birthday.
It is the one day of every year that is mine.

And as much as I am looking forward to spending some time with some friends.
Something will be missing.
Someone will be missing.

Last year, I had a birthday gift from Roger.
A bit belated in the sense that I did not find it until a few weeks later, but Roger gave me a gift even six weeks after he died.

And this year there will be nothing.
Not even he himself will be there.
And it hurts.
For the first time in four years, there will be no gift from Roger.

I know I should "grow up" and be an adult.
Just do what every one else does and just let the day be a regular day.
But I cannot.
And knowing my best friend.
My husband.
The person who gave some of the best gifts will be missing.

It hurts that on this special day of mine.
My very special one day per year, he will not be part of it.
So yeah, the government cannot my birthday away.
But death can take away the important people.
The people who would make it special.
Who make it fun.

Well, here goes another "day" in the grief history of Star...


Crash Course Widow said...

Wow...really? Your birthday's a week away? Then that means...[checking my calendar]...yup, mine's only 2 weeks away now. Huh. I hadn't really started thinking about it yet, thought it was still a month of or so. Oops.

I haven't read your post at all yet except for the 1st sentence but wanted to post my first thought first. Now back to reading.... ;o)

Crash Course Widow said...

(Now that I've read....)

Aw...Many, many big hugs, Star. I'm so sorry that Roger won't be here for your big day and that you won't have any more gifts from him. It hurts, I know....

What I've ended up doing is buying a special, usually absurdly expensive (relatively speaking, compared to the budget limits Charley and I would have set jointly) gift for myself...for my birthday or Christmas or occasionally Mother's Day. It's not the same as if it was something from Charley, but at least I get something nice and that I possibly wouldn't have gotten (for myself or from anyone else) otherwise. And hell, in my case, it's usually something nicer than Charley would have given me. Me? Compensating? Never. ;o)

It's never the same...but it can help a little...or at least it has for me. I'm so sorry for all of this, Star.