Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Unattainable Promise

This is a bit of a repeat.
But I am still struggling with it.
A lot.
Especially lately, again.
So I am blogging about it.

Roger used to promise me he would never leave me.
I would have some wacked dreams about losing him.
I would not be able to find him.
He would be missing.
Maybe in a forrest.
Maybe in a maze.
I would wake up in a panic.
I would find him in bed and slip over next to him.
Touch him.
Hold him.
Make sure he was still there.
And sometimes I would tease him in the morning when I woke up with stories about how he was leaving me.

During day light hours, I would tease him when he left to go to the gym or to the grocery store or wherever.
"Don't leave me!" I would playfully pout.
"I would never leave you."
And he meant it.
I know he would not have chosen to leave me.

But then he did.
He left me.
He died.

Lately, Mr. X started making this promise.
Promising me he will not leave me.
Without me provoking him.
Maybe he can promise not to break up with me.
Maybe he can promise not to decidedly not leave me.
But he cannot promise me he will never leave me.
He cannot promise he will never die.
Because one thing is for sure.
Everyone dies.
Everyone breaks that promise.


Ann said...

That's a trick isn't it. You want to hear the promise, you want to make the promise. But we know it isn't one anyone can keep. Well spoken.

Rick said...

Its a tough life being a widow/er. I know I am now full of insecurity and lack of trust with others and with God.

Roger lives in your heart now. In another friends hug, in a beautiful sunset, in your dreams.