Monday, September 28, 2009

But This is the Second One...


I had my first birthday without Roger a mere six weeks after he passed away.
I went to dinner with friends.
I was sad.
And as a small birthday dessert was brought to me near the end of my day tears filled my eyes.
But it was not as bad as I thought it would be.
Like I would learn about most holidays and anniversaries and birthdays (except the one year death anniversary), it was mild.

This year is my second birthday without him.
And for some reason it is blowing.
I feel severely grumpy.
I am not sleeping.
And I just am very sad about this one.
Grief is starting to put his hands around my neck to suffocate me.

I am not sure why I am so sad.
And depressed.
I feel really stressed about it.
About the week.
About school.
About my birthday.
I feel like it will not be my birthday.
It is not the same.
So I just want to skip it and postpone it till next week.
When less things are going on.

And then I was pushed more into my slight depression by a couple of comments over the weekend.
The main one was during a conversation about how people only associate with people who are in the same stage of life as themselves.
So married people hang out with other married people.
Single people hang out with other single people.
And people with children hang out with other people with children.
But I am not really in any of those categories.
My single friends still associate me as being married.
My married friends associate me with being single.
And of course I have no kids to be with the people with kids group.

And I am really starting to feel it.
Yes, I have Mr. X so you would think people would invite me to things that other couples are invited to but that is not really the case.
Maybe they don't like Mr. X?
And my single friends do not seem to invite me to things either.
Why? I am not sure.

So I am in this sort of limbo state.
And I suddenly feel very alone.
People do not know where to categorize me.
And it hurts.
It hurts to think people will move on with their lives.
Moving into a new stage without me.

Yeah, grief sucks...
And it is sucking the life out of my birthday...

And I am so not looking forward to this birthday.
Without him.


Mars Girl said...

I think it's not so much a single/married thing. I think our friends just dont know how to deal with things. It's like their own reaction to grief. You remind them of what could happen in life, what we as young people dont really think about until it happens to us. And then, they dont know what to say or how to act. I think our situation is just as confusing, at first, to them as it is to you. Throw in that you're dating someone else now, and they just probably just dont know how to act.

It's my guess. I have gotten mad at my friends over the past eight years because they did stop callign after the funeral... because I spent so much time alone... until I recently started asking them what had happens... turns out, many of them didnt know what to do so they didnt call. They wanted to help, but they didnt know how. If I had known this, perhaps I would have reached out to them more. Maybe you should call one of the friends from your group and ask them out... or just talk to them... let them know you're all right.

It's really hard being a young widow... I think we forget sometimes that what happened to us was just as much of a surprise to them as it was to us... You know? People who knew your husband are probably feeling some pain and loss too... I know my friends did.

Rick said...

The whole thing SUCKS!! Your right!!

Finding ourselves is the hardest thing to do right now. The situation is awkward for everybody. It's your real friends that step up during these difficult times. I use this experience to help others when I can.

Hang in there!! and Happy Birthday whenever you decide to celebrate it!!

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

I think it is partly a "which category" thing and partly just being awkward. Young people really don't know what to do -- worst of all, they think there is some right thing to do. Then, after one year, they think, maybe it's supposed to be different. And with Mr. X, they think, maybe it's even WORSE to mention Roger now -- they really really don't know how to deal.

If only people knew it's no big deal, all they have to do is show up and listen and be a friend.

Don't be like me. Don't sit at home. Reach out to one of the many people who love you so (I know they do) and tell them how you're feeling.

For me, there were many more grief ambushes in the second year than in the first. I was so much less numb. A good thing, and a not-good thing.

Love ya,


Crash Course Widow said...

Most things weren't as bad the second time around as they were the first time around after Charley died...but not always. And as you're discovering, some of those early-early things that you made it through in the acute numb phases last year now hurt a hell of a lot more now, in the second year. Nobody ever told, warned, or prepared me that some things might get worse, get harder, in the second or third get the idea.

So sorry your birthday is setting you off so much this year...although I'm not surprised. It's really tough to know where the grief goes after the first year. It certainly doesn't go away, but it does shift in some damned confusing, painful ways.

And I'm sorry too about the whole friends thing. Nothing to say except that I get it; I understand. At 4 years out, I'm *still* getting it. Mostly I feel just forgotten, which I rarely felt that first year.

(And on a side note, as it caught my attention before I started writing my comment...I think I have to agree with what Mars Girl says too.)

Hugs, as always, Star. Be gentle with yourself....

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