Monday, October 26, 2009

Fourteen Month Check-up

It is the 26th.
Two days until the fourteen month anniversary of Roger's death.

How am I doing?
I am not sure.
My biggest mission in this journey is to educate people about grief/widows/widowers.
About how losing my husband does not go away.
About how it does not stop hurting just because more time has past.
Yes, I can cope better.
I can cry less in front of people.
But I still cry.
I still have sad moments.
And moments where I just want to go back.
And moments still where it does not feel real.
And moments where I feel alone in the middle of friends, family, or in a crowd.

I feel like I am doing okay for the most part.
But then I am still having issues about certain things.

The most annoying for everyone involved... undone plans.
I know I am not alone in this "symptom" of grief. [I consulted a fellow widow today and then I have talked to my twin about this too.]
But fourteen months ago, my life came undone.
All my plans went to shreds.
Yes, I realize that life is like that on every level for every person.
But to take absolutely everything I knew about my life, throw it out a car window, let all those plans crash to the ground while I continued to drive forward is my life.
My morning routine changed.
My day routine changed.
My night routine changed.
My career changed.
My weekends changed.
My bank account changed.
Absolutely everything!

I realized my life was not under my control.
My fate was not under my control.
The unexpected happened to me.
The unthinkable.
My fate was not under my control.
Since the unexpected did happen, now all of the unexpected is scary.

So now, I like plans to stick a little.
Even small ones.
And if then they go to hell.
I freak out.
I start to feel out of control.
I get annoyed.

For those non-widows out there, please be kind to the widow/widower.
We need plans.
We need things to go according to plan.
At least ninety percent of the time.
So to help us (or at least just me).
I need to time to process changes.

How is everything else going?
School is good.
Dating is good.
But nothing, absolutely nothing, replaces what I lost.

Today I found myself drawing Roger.
Just a doodle but a picture from him on his last birthday.
I wanted to keep it but it was on an exam paper.
One I could not keep.

My paranoia is mostly in check.
I found myself this morning being afraid of an intruder again.
I imagined him standing in the driveway.
Waiting for me to open the garage door to either attack me or to invade the house.
I got into the car and locked the doors.
No one was there of course.

Otherwise, most days I am coping.
It does not go away.
I just learn to cope.


Supa Dupa Fresh said...

Oh honey. You have come a long way. You have a long way yet to go, thank heaven.

Big hugs!



Carrieboo said...

I also hate the feeling of aloneness while being fully surrounded by friends/family. You describe everything very well, how absolutely everything in our lives change. I think some people belive we will turn back into the same person with time, however how can you not turn into a different person after such a loss.
Glad to hear you are coping, do what makes you happy, and surround yourself with those that help you achieve this.
take care