It was devastating.
I was heartbroken.
I accepted the loss.
Last night I was doing my dreaded alone task - the bills.
I remembered I also wanted to send a card to a friend for her birthday.
"Where is her address? Oh, I have it in the wedding guest list spreadsheet."
I plugged in an external hard drive.
It was not in my section so I went to Roger's section.
I found the spreadsheet.
I found the address.
Instead of just finishing up my bills and starting some homework, I kept exploring the hard drive.
I opened his "TWC" section from his old work computer.
A folder called "IM Logs".
I quickly opened it.
A different time period than I lost.
But it was a gain.
It was something.
December 2006 to March 2007.
Right after we were engaged.
Right after I moved in with him.
Almost three years ago.
It was great to "hear" his voice.
To see our jokes.
Instead of "I love you" we said "You love me" a lot.
His "I feel much better now" after going to the bathroom.
"Pobrecita" [Poor girl] to me for everything under the sun.
His sunglassed smiley face.
Three hours later I had read all 173 pages.
I gained something else too.
A new prospective.
I have changed. Thankfully.
I am such a different person.
Every part of in my life was shifting.
I was engaged.
I was moving in with a boy.
And I was freaking out. At everything.
Man, Roger was so very patient.
So very very patient.
I also read his IMs to other people.
I felt a little bad invading his privacy but I just could not get enough of his "voice".
I needed to "hear" him.
Thank you, dear, for being so patient with me.
I know I have said it before, but thank you for helping me.
Thank you for fixing me.
Thank you for your numerous gifts before and after your death.
I love you.