I remember being shocked.
I did not even cry on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.
I felt fine.
This year... it is not so easy.
It is hard.
And it sucks.
I cannot get away from holiday stuff.
It is on sitcoms.
It is on the radio.
It is on the news.
Last night I watched "Grey's Anatomy".
I love that show.
It is one of my favorites.
But it put me over the edge last night.
There was a brain dead kid.
They were using him for a heart transplant.
I lost it.
And I cried for the next hour and half.
I miss Roger so much.
I just want things to be different.
I want him to be here.
I want to set up our tree together.
I want to decorate together.
But I do not want to do it alone.
Or with others.
I want Roger!
And I get why Christmas season is when people commit suicide.
I am not suicidal.
Let me repeat, I am not suicidal.
I just get it.
I get how Christmas, happiness, gifts, family, love, blah, blah, blah, can be overwhelming.
Especially when the grief monster is around the corner.
Especially when I am constantly reminded of my loss.
I do not skip school but this morning I could not function.
I woke up.
Took a shower.
And then crawled back into bed.
My eyes are way too puffy.
I am way too emotionally drained.
I would stay in bed if I could.
But alas I cannot.
I must keep going.
And wait for these holidays to pass.
I just need to get to January and ignore that February will be around the corner.