Sunday, November 15, 2009

One Day...

A fellow blogger and friend wrote me an email the other day about the post regarding Roger's tears at our wedding.
And she hit the nail on the head.
I am thinking a lot about my next wedding.
I actually had a nightmare a few nights ago.
Not that I am anywhere close to having another wedding.
But... I cannot help but think.
To think what if.
To wonder what it will be like.
To dream.
To have nightmares.
To plan, again.

As long as the man is worthy, I will marry again.
I want to marry again.
I want to wear the dress.
Walk down the aisle.
Eat the cake.
Dance the night away.
Be married.

But... I know it will be hard.
I know the planning will remind me.
The first time I planned a wedding.
The first time I picked flowers.
A dress.
A place.

I know that this new person will have to be heavily involved.
I had my day.
I had pretty much everything I wanted.

I dread the influx of memories.
I know they will be there.
I know the grief monster will be there.
I do not know how I will be able to not think about Roger.
About our day.
About our marriage.
I know there will be lots of tears.

I also wonder if anyone will be brave enough to say something.
Either privately or publicly.
Will someone mention him?
Will someone be brave enough to say something to me?
Will someone remember him?
I kind of hope so.
At least that is what I hope now.
I hope that I will not be the only one remembering him.
Thinking of him.

I also know that I will be a mess on the sixth month anniversary.
The one year anniversary.
And especially on August 22nd.
August 28th.
February 23rd.

Luckily, I am not crossing these bridges today or tomorrow.
Or even next week.
I have time.
At least I think I have time...

One day...


Mars Girl said...

These thoughts are precisely why I want to have a wedding that is completely opposite of the one I had with Mike. Which pretty much means that I'd like to elope next time or have a destination wedding. I still want to wear a nice dress and have fun with it, but I dont want to go through all the ceremony and fanfare I did the first time. I dont want it to be even remotely like the first wedding because I dont want to mentally compare it to the first... I dont even want my mind to go there. I want it to be a completely different experience, representing that I am with a completely different man. I want both weddings to stand separately from each other in my head. As completely different events. I dont want people who attend to compare the two weddings either. Or the two grooms. So I dont want to leave room for that to happen.

Hopefully, though, I do meet a nice guy who recognizes Mike without feeling he's in competition with him...

Sonja said...

I just found your blog and I'm totally hooked. I have had these same thoughts. My husband died Aug 27, 2008. I woke up in the middle of the night and he was choking. He had a blood clot and died within 30 minutes.

I can't wait to read more...I just started blogging and I'm so excited to find people "like me"!

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

No matter what, it won't be the same because you are not the same woman that you were.

And what's wrong with crying at your wedding? When you feel ready to commit your life to someone, you'll have been through many tough emotional passages before the ceremony itself. Those moments in front of your family will reflect who you have become and where you are heading next, and the family and friends there to witness (should you choose to include them) will know that Roger is there, too, and smiling at your happiness.

Life is LONG. It's hard for us to remember that sometimes. But it's TRUE!



P.S. I'll dance if you invite me! But no pressure! ;-)

Maritza said...

I was not looking for love again, and i def was not looking to get remarried. but with the right person in your life you will be able to incorporate Roger in your new life (when you are ready and it happens). I am beyond grateful for my fiance, we will be having a prayer read, a moment of silence and a in honor table to remember those that have passed away but mainly for My late husband Josiah. and yes there will be tears, and with out a doubt I will be thinking of Josiah, and yes I am scared of the emotions that the day may is all normal. so if you want to talk about Roger don't wait for someone else to bring him up, you do it, and those around you including your new husband will know and understand