Sunday, July 4, 2010

Two Relationships

Supa Fresh has a blog page on facebook.
She gives a thought or question of the day then asks for others' thoughts.
I sometimes respond and sometimes just read the responses.
As usual, the responses vary with each question.  

A while back she asked about our experiences with our first contact with a new dating partner.  
For myself, I have never felt guilt about being with Mr. X or the few other gentlemen I dated.  
I have never felt like I was cheating.
I have never felt like Roger was angry with me for falling in love again.  

However, recently, I have noticed perhaps why.
Not on a conscious level.  
Not often.
Not always.
Not even fifty percent of the time.
Only a very slight amount of the time, I feel like I am still in a relationship with Roger.

I have found myself doing things because Roger would want me to.  
Or because he liked a certain thing.
Or because he liked something a certain way.

For example, a few weeks ago there was a turtle in the driveway behind my house.  
I knew it was more than likely the turtle would get run over at some point during the day.
Roger loved turtles.
I love animals too but this was a turtle.
Turtles were Roger's thing more than mine
I had to save him.  
For Roger.

Then, a few months ago, a friend of Mr. X was splitting from his wife.  
He was setting up his own apartment and did not have much stuff.
I decided to give him a few Coke glasses and an old kitchen table of Roger's.  
A table Roger loved.
A table I did not like much.
Roger redid the seats with upholstery he picked. 
The friend got back with his wife and God only knows what he did with the table.
Or the other things.
And it makes my heart sink.
I feel like I was disappointing Roger.  

Same thing happened on Thursday morning.  
I had a lot of extra household items from Mr. X moving in.
Some his, some mine, and some Roger's.  
I called Amvets to come pick up the stuff.
This young guy came who just basically threw everything into the back of the truck.
My stomach was in a knot. 

I have to remind myself that I am not in a relationship with Roger anymore.
This does not happen often.
But just a sliver of the time.  
Just a slip into old habits, I guess.
Just for a moment.  

1 comment:

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

Ouch! My ears are burning! :-)