Thursday, July 22, 2010

Words Words Words

When Roger first died, I could not construct proper sentences.
I would lose my train of thought right in the midst of a sentence.
Or I would use the wrong pronunciation or tense of a word.

In the last week or so, this has returned.
I cannot think of the proper word.
I change the spelling of words in my head and pronounce them completely incorrectly.
The other night I spelled the word "new" as "meew".
And I could not seem to spell it right no matter what.
Today I spelled the name "Michael" as "Michall".

No one has said anything but I find it somewhat amazing and weird that this symptom has returned.
Somewhat surprised.
In other ways, not surprised.
Grief has been really strong this week.
The weepiness has returned.
The constant strong thoughts of Roger.

Sigh... I wonder what other symptoms will return in the next coming weeks.
Why do I keep thinking this will get easier?!?
Wake me up in September.


Crash Course Widow said...

It does get easier, overall...but that doesn't mean you won't have bad spells like what you are right now.

After 5 years of this, I've found that the run-up and anticipation/dread of the death anniversary would start anywhere from 2-3 weeks ahead of time (in the last year or so) to anywhere from 6-8 weeks ahead of the date. Yeah, um, no one ever told me that the grief might start rearing back up quite early before the date in the earliest years.

You'll go back to "normal"--whatever exactly that is for you--after the end of August. It might not be the same normal, or even quite as stable and predictable or you were before a month or two ago...but eventually you'll come back. And eventually you'll be able to marvel at how far you've come...although that'll take a long, long while.

That second year is still so fresh and new. Try to be gentle and patient with yourself, keep your nonnegotiable obligations to a minimum, and take it one day or hour at a time if you need to. You'll make it through...even it ain't pretty in the meantime. ;o)

Many hugs and much love, peace, and sane thinking as possible in the next weeks, my friend.


Jamie said...

It hasn't even been two months since I lost my husband. Most days I don't even know what day of the week it is without actually looking at the calendar. I constantly find that I can't remember something from one room to another & even retracing my steps doesn't help. I feel like I'm losing my mind. It makes it that much more difficult that I have a 9 month old and 2 1/2 year old to take care of. I feel so guilty that I am not "altogether" even half of the time. Some days, the busy days, I make it through without breaking down, but as soon as I have some down time, I feel like I'm back at day one when the knock on the door shattered my world. While this reality is unwanted, I have to say that even with your current struggles, you still manage to shine some light of hope for others who are walking in your shoes.