Sunday, April 17, 2011


I referred to Two Kisses for Maddy book yesterday.
As I continue to read, I continue to remember.

Yesterday while I was reading, Matt refers to how in those 27 hours between his daughter's birth and his wife's death his life was perfect.
He felt so incredibly happy.

I know that feeling.
I know that exact feeling.
The morning of our accident.
I was finishing up the packing.
Roger was still showering.
He got out of the shower and proclaimed how he must love me.
"I must love you. I just shaved against the grain at 4 something in the morning."
I smiled.  We were on the way to my ten year high school reunion.
Life was perfect.

We had our house with the perfect layout.
Four bedrooms and a big room over the garage.
Three car garage with one of the bays in front of the other.
Nice neighborhood with good schools.

I had an amazing husband.
He was kind and funny.
Had a wonderful family.
Married life was going well.

We had good friends.
I was happy.
I was loved.
I was in love.

But then the most important piece of the puzzle was gone.
In an instant.
Because of something so stupid.
And life was not perfect anymore.

Part of me is afraid to feel this again.
To be completely happy, again.
To be completely in love, again.
I do not want to be crushed, again.


Crash Course Widow said...

I feel the same way. Although I also don't really know where the "perfection" counter should actually start. When Charley and I got back together? When we got married? When Anna was born?

All I know is that I felt so incredibly blessed and lucky to be married to my best friend and to have everything I'd ever dreamed of…which made it all the more wrenching and devastating when it was ripped away after only 19 months of marriage.

Which, comparatively to you, was still better than 6 months for you…but it's taken until the last year or two for me to really feel JUST how young we were, how karmically and cosmically robbed we were, to be widowed at 27 and with less than 3 years together, for both of us. Before, the pain was too great and I couldn't really absorb it. But now that I'm 5.5 years out and in my mid-30s, I can finally realize just how deep of a loss it was.

Which totally sucks, too. I still hate all of it…(and then again, I'm admittedly having a crummier, rockier week than usual, because of my friend's husband's death this week…boo).

I ordered a copy of Matt's book on Friday…and one on off-camera lighting techniques. ;o) Quite the mix, eh?

Hugs, my friend!

Autumn said...

I remember my 17 days of absolute bliss too. Being engaged finally to the one person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.... the rest of his life.

And I know I have fallen in love again. And you're right. It's fucking scary. I have cried numerous times to Ryan about how I can't stand the thought of losing him. And not just to him leaving... but to someting GOD AWFUL happening to him. And no one should have to live in that type of fear.
I think what you have with Mr. X is great and you should just go ahead and take the leap in.
I love you.