Small Accident

I knew the day would come.
I remember in my counseling saying "when" not "if" when I referred to car accidents.
I pray and hope I am never in a serious accident but as much as I am in my car, I knew that eventually.
One day.
I would have another accident.

This accident was very small, parking lot incident but I still felt a huge amount of fear.
I was backing out of a parking space.
It was drizzling.
A young girl got into her car and immediately began backing up.
She did not even look for me.
I honked my horn several times but nothing.
She just kept coming.
Later she stated she did not see me.
Perhaps because she did not look for me.
I kept thinking "This isn't happening."
"She is going to stop."
"I know she is going to stop as soon as she sees me.

I felt paralyzed.

I felt this crushing fear.

I knew we would not be hurt but I was still extremely frightened.  
She did not stop until she ran into the back of my car.
My three month old car.

She did damage my car.
Approximately $900 according to my insurance adjuster.

Now, I feel this fear of backing up.
And fear that another accident is just around the corner.
A worse one.
The week of the accident, I had a small fender bender in the rain.
A young girl ran into the back of my car.
Ugh...

Being Recognized

Yesterday Mr. X and I went to a food tasting for our caterer.
They are public group events where they put out about twenty different menu options to try.
While looking at table linen options, a girl approached me.
I had seen her when we first went in and noticed she stared at me.
"Star?"
My first thought was one of the readers of this blog recognized me as I tried to place how I knew her.
"Yes?"
"I met you at Rusty's wedding. We sat at the same table."
I started to remember her.
At Rusty's wedding, I sat with one of Roger's old friends from martial arts club, Nathan, and this girl who was his girlfriend at the time.
She remembered Mr. X as well.
It was the first wedding we attended together.
She is no longer dating Roger's old friend but one of the instructors from the martial arts club.
The instructor insisted he was at my wedding to Roger.
I asked if he was sure.  I mean, I did do all the names for placecards and I have looked at the pictures a million times.
He was not at my wedding.  Roger did not even like this guy.
We did not invite him. And he was not anyone's plus one.  I knew all the plus ones.
No, I know where he was.
He was at Roger's funeral.
That I remember.
It was a shock he was there.
Those are mostly the people I remember at the funeral.

It was beyond weird to run into this girl.
And her new boyfriend.
Weird especially to be reminded of Roger's funeral at a wedding-to-Mr. X event.

Picking Out Vows

I have to say for the most part wedding planning is going very smoothly, knock on wood.
I am even enjoying myself.
We are getting the vendors we want.
All my bridesmaids said yes.
And things are shaping up fairly well.
Mr. X and I are getting quite a bit done before I head into the classroom in the fall.
The tricky parts are, of course, making it "our" wedding.
And making it a different enough that it is still me and does not remind me of wedding #1.

One of the things that tugged at my heart stings quite a bit was picking vows.
Our officiant gave us a huge list of ones to choose from but Mr. X did not want too much "God" talk.
And I did not want any "one true love".
Or super short vows that did not sound sincere and sacred.
Oddly I wanted "death do us part".
And from this huge list we did not find any that we loved.

So I went into the office.
I had a book.
Actually I inherited a book.
A wedding ceremony book.
As I searched for the perfect set of vows I saw Roger's small handwriting from the one wedding ceremony he had performed.
But in that small brown book I found them.
The absolutely perfect wedding vows.

"I, Mr. X, take you, Star

As my dear and lawful wife.

I commit myself to you as your faithful husband,

To honor you as a person,

To love you as my companion,

And to cherish you.

I intend the love I have for you now to be only the beginning of the love I will come to have for you.

I look forward to sharing my life with you,

Whatever the future holds,

And I will comfort you,

Confide in you,

And travel with you from this day forth,

Whatever the conditions of our lives or of the world around us."

As wedding planning is coming into full force
And Father's Day is almost here
I am missing my dad sooo much.
Daily there are reminders he is not here.

My dad did not attend my wedding to Roger.
He was not sure his truck could make it.
And he did not have the money for the flight.
I accepted this fact as much as I could.

So I walked the aisle myself.
We did not do a father-daughter dance.
No photos taken with my daddy in my wedding dress.

And now as I plan my next wedding,
[It always sounds weird to say: "my first wedding" or "my next wedding".
Sounds like I am a collector of weddings.
Or worse, like I choose to end my marriage.]
I keep thinking about my dad.
I think about how he drove all the way to Florida to get to Roger's funeral.
He was the only family member from my side of the family that came down on his own accord to be with me.
To help me.
He jumped in to cleaning up Roger's mess in the garage.
To be social with my friends and Roger's family.

I wish I could have him with me now.
I wish I could call him on Sunday and wish him a Happy Father's Day.
It was Father's Day years ago that we reconnected.
When I realized my mother had contaminated my relationship with my dad.
That he was not the bad man she tried so hard to make him out to be.

And now as I plan my wedding to Mr. X, I will walk the aisle alone once more (perhaps) but for a completely different reason.

The Other Shoe Has Dropped

Yesterday I received some heartbreaking news.
I knew this would happen.
I almost knew this was true.

A few years ago my sister was diagnosed with some clotting disorders which have caused her to miscarry several times.
Being sisters, I knew I may have a risk of also having these genetic disorders.
About a month ago at my yearly check-up, my own OB/Gyn insisted that I get tested now since there may be some contraindications of taking hormonal birth control and having these disorders.
So on May 13, I gave eleven tubes of blood.
I prayed that everything would be normal.
I prayed I was not broken.
That somehow my genetics would be completely different than my sister.
By some miracle.
Don't I deserve a miracle?

Last night I saw my doctor's name and number appear on my phone.
I have been trying to get the results back for the last week like a mad woman.
I answered the call to hear my doctor's voice on the line.
She confirmed my gut.
Yes, I have both MTHFR mutation and protein C deficiency.
No more hormonal birth control for me.
And hard pregnancies in the future.

I have been on hormonal birth control this time for about eight and half years.
It has kept my PCOS under control.
Which I have no idea how that is going to play out now.
Mr. X and I were not planning on trying for children for at least two more years but now it looks like that may get pushed up a year if it is going to be harder for me to get pregnant and harder to stay pregnant.
Something I did not even want to do until almost two years ago.
Part of me wishes I still did not want children.
At least maybe then the heartache would be less.

Why can't I get a break?!
Why can't things just be easy from now on?!
Can't I get some sort of immunity from bad things happening?
Ugh...

The Other Shoe

It is really hard for me to enjoy myself right now.
To be happy for myself.
I get scared.
Mr. X and I got engaged on Saturday, May 14 and then on the Wednesday following I got my first teaching job.
Things are going well for my photography business.
We went to Alaska and I got to travel which I adore.
So now I am getting nervous.
I am waiting for the other shoe to fall.
Waiting for the "bad" thing.
I tried to tell myself getting a horrid head cold before the vacation and while on vacation was the "bad" thing.  But...

Immediately after Mr. X and I got engaged we drove to a friends' house for a housewarming party.
It was pouring down rain.
We were on the same highway as the accident.
Opposite direction but same damn highway.
I kept thinking "Please dear God do not let anything happen now. Please. Please. Please."

The week after getting engaged, I was talking to one of my best friends about the engagement and such.
This is the friend who I called immediately after the accident.
The one who has been here through it all.
And she said something I was already thinking and knowing.
Once Mr. X and I are married, I will be extremely nervous about the six month mark.
I cannot even imagine the day of it.
I know getting to that first anniversary will be a big deal to me.
And sadly, part of me is trying to protect myself from being too happy.
I almost feel like I will not be extremely over the clouds happy until after that six month mark.
Don't read this wrong.
I am happy.
I am excited.
I know this is the right thing but I am still nervous about Mr. X dying suddenly.
This cannot happen to me again.
It just can't.
It. Just. Can't.