Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Small Accident

I knew the day would come.
I remember in my counseling saying "when" not "if" when I referred to car accidents.
I pray and hope I am never in a serious accident but as much as I am in my car, I knew that eventually.
One day.
I would have another accident.

This accident was very small, parking lot incident but I still felt a huge amount of fear.
I was backing out of a parking space.
It was drizzling.
A young girl got into her car and immediately began backing up.
She did not even look for me.
I honked my horn several times but nothing.
She just kept coming.
Later she stated she did not see me.
Perhaps because she did not look for me.
I kept thinking "This isn't happening."
"She is going to stop."
"I know she is going to stop as soon as she sees me.
I felt paralyzed.
I felt this crushing fear.
I knew we would not be hurt but I was still extremely frightened.  
She did not stop until she ran into the back of my car.
My three month old car.

She did damage my car.
Approximately $900 according to my insurance adjuster.

Now, I feel this fear of backing up.
And fear that another accident is just around the corner.
A worse one.
The week of the accident, I had a small fender bender in the rain.
A young girl ran into the back of my car.


Janine (txmomx6) said...

Star, I'm so sorry that you had to endure that frightening moment. That moment. That girl. That week.
Sigh .....
Thinking of you and praying for peace to fill your heart....

Crash Course Widow said...

Huge sigh. I'm so sorry that happened. And I sooooooo get it.

I live in fear (sometimes a very conscious fear, other times a mostly forgotten, yet still there, fear) that I'm going to hit a bicyclist with my car someday. Because I will absolutely fall apart if it happens, I suspect. Or else I'll react relatively okay at the time and totally lose it afterward, if it's nothing serious.

Charley's sister hit a cyclist sometime in the last couple of years. Nothing awful, and the person was fine…but she said she was a bit of a mess about it and the poor soul got the full story (or the quick, crying summary, at least) of why she was flipping out so bad.

Yeah…hope I never run into that one myself. (And yes, pun intended.)

Breathe in…breathe out…breathe in…out….

One tiny fender bender does not mean there's going to be a fatal accident this week. One fender bender does not mean…[Repeat at will until the week passes and nothing dire has happened.] The past is not fated to repeat itself…but I know I also have those momentary deja vu flashbacks of something I thought, felt, or did shortly before Charley died and I wonder/fear wildly for a moment if The Shit Is Going to Hit the Fan again in the next week (or whenever). Like tonight, Anna and I got all extra-lovey dovey at bedtime and I was marveling to myself how amazing, awesome, wonderful, etc., etc., she is and how damned lucky I am…and then a few minutes later I was hoping to high hell I wasn't jinxing myself or that the inner moment of zen euphoria wasn't a portent to Something Awful. And it's been six years now, almost. That paranoid, superstitious fear hasn't gone away entirely.


Anonymous said...

Oh, Star. This gave me goosebumps . . . So sorry you had to go through that.


Emily Garvin said...

Wow, can I ever relate to this. I also live with that fear constantly - every time I get into ANY vehicle. Not 'if' but 'when'... It breaks my heart that you are going through this too and have to live with that fear as well. It is a fear I wish we did not have to constantly endure.