Saturday, July 9, 2011

The Top Tier

On Monday, Mr. X and I are meeting with our caterer to discuss the details of the wedding.
I am looking forward to this but there is one question...
The top tier of our cake.

Roger and I did not save ours.
Well, we intended to.
But that cake was damn good.
So we ate it before our honeymoon and when we got back.

And after he died,
And as I approached the my first wedding anniversary.
I thought about the what if.
What if we had not eaten our cake?
How long would have that tier stayed in my fridge?
Would I have eaten it alone?
Would I have thrown it out?
Would it still be there sitting three and half years later?
Haunting me?
There or not, it does still haunt me.

And now as Mr. X and I approach our wedding,
What will we do?
Eat it?
Save it?
Risk it?

And yes, my fear is, we will not make it to our first anniversary.
Not because of divorce.
Because of death striking one of us.
I have never had a wedding anniversary.
My marriage ended after only six months.
We did not even get to celebrate that.
The accident was the day before.

But do I risk it? Or eat it?
And if we eat the cake does that mean I do not have the faith we will make it?
Or that it is another fantastic cake?
But what if "it" happens again?
What if I get stuck with a top tier of cake in my fridge?


Crash Course Widow said...

Eating the top tier or not will have nothing to do with anything that comes afterward…unless it's food poisoning from the cake, or something silly like that. ;o)

You know, I say to eat it right away. Eat it when you get home and celebrate. Eat it before your honeymoon, eat it afterward…enjoying the moment, taking the time to savor it then--and all the wonderful memories you'll share from your wedding as you eat--and not living in fear of what *might* happen. Chances are, you won't be widowed again at your 6-month anniversary. Eat the damned cake before it becomes another issue to have to face at your first wedding anniversary to Mr. X.

Live life. Eat cake!

(Darn it, you've got me hungry and craving cake! ;o))

But I do understand your fear, even if I haven't been back in that place myself yet. Who knows how I'll react and what things in the wedding planning might become issues whenever/if ever I get married again anytime soon? Because even though I only had 19 months of marriage, I did at least get to celebrate one with Charley alive. We didn't make a huge deal out of our wedding anniversary--we split it up into two different nights, I think, because of work schedules, when the day actually fell, what we wanted to do, and when we could get a baby-sitter for Miss 3-Month-Old Anna. And as a widow, what we did doesn't matter compared to all the things we couldn't do--like you and Roger celebrating your first anniversary.

I imagine your first anniv. with Kevin will be an especially big deal (both in good ways in and grief-loaded ways)…but just take the wedding planning one day at a time, stay in the present as much as you can, and try not to worry (as much as possible for a remarrying widow, anyway ;o)). The past is not doomed to repeat itself…the past is not….

Lather, rinse, repeat…say it over and over until it's after your first wedding anniversary, and your second and your third and your tenth, and he's still blissfully alive (and you too). ;o)

Hang in there, my friend. You're doing an awesome job of holding it all together!!


Janine (txmomx6) said...

Star .... sometimes I think it will be the "what ifs" that will be the end of me. So I work very hard to not look behind me and say those words.
Because if I keep looking back, and wondering, I'm likely to miss everything in front of me. Or maybe just one thing. One very important thing.
As for the top tier ..... eating it on the first anniversary is highly, HIGHLY overrated. Cake does not taste good after being frozen for a year. Yuck.
But, it is kind of fun to get it out.
You didn't ask for advice, but if it were me .... I think I'd take the chance. Freeze it. Because it's something different. And sometimes, different is good. :)
Thinking of you and hoping that all of the wedding planning is full of joy for both of you. :) You give us other widows hope.
So thank you.