Saturday, December 24, 2011


This Christmas was going to be the first.
The first time I (and Mr. X) went to Miami for Christmas since Roger's death.
The first time we were going to spend this holiday with Roger's family.
I was excited.
I was nervous.
I was looking forward to it.

I remember the Tuesday when the doctor wanted to speak to me in person.
The day when he told me all bets were off.
Roger was done.
"This is as good as it will get."
A million thoughts were running through my head.
And one big thought: I was going to lose Roger's family.
First, they would hate me.
Because of course this was all my fault. 
Second, they would leave me.
This wonderful gift of family that Roger had given to me was going to disappear.
But I was reassured.
I was told that would never happen.
"You will always be my prima."
"My niece, Star."
And I believed it.
Those who loved me before would love me still.
I believed it with my entire being.

In some ways, it is true.
Some of the family is still my family.
Like I feel so connected to Grace.
She is truly a big sister to me.
I can talk to her about anything.
I cannot imagine my life without her in it.
And sometimes, for a tiny, minuscule split second, I forget how we are connected.
How we both miss him.
How things would have been.

And in other ways, I feel the pulling.
Especially now that I am getting married again.
With June fast approaching.
Family that barely says anything to me when I am in the room.
Family that visits Orlando without even a peep. 
Family who will not even consider coming to my wedding to Mr. X.

So Gizmo's health this holiday season dictated that we would not go to Miami for Christmas.
We fear the stress of leaving her may hurt her kidneys more.
And I can almost feel the relief of some.
To know the Gringa will not be there.

Do they think I do not think of Roger daily?
That I have forgotten?
That because I am getting married I am over it all?
That I did not love him?
That I do not love him still?
That I cannot talk of Roger?
That they cannot talk of Roger?

What would Roger think of you all now?   

1 comment:

Tabitha said...

You speak of the same fears that I have regarding Alfonso's family. Alfonso and I were together for nearly 7 years, and he has an amazing family. I didn't grow up with anyone but my mom & dad; they weren't all about family connection. But Alfonso's family, to start with, are Latino, so it's ALL about family. We grew so close over the years...the holidays, random family gatherings, birthdays, etc. I felt like he gave me the gift of a family I always desired. But after his death (11/04/11), things have changed.

Some of his family members, including his mom, have repeatedly reassured me that I am a part of the family and will always be; that they love me very much. But I know deep down inside that when the time comes for me to move on with another man, relationships will dissolve. As it already is, there are some of his primos & tios that have already disassociated themselves from me immediately following his death (including at the funeral). And here I thought we all had such a great relationship. I know that some of them blame me for his death. I also know Alfonso would be upset with them for essentially disowning me. But, I guess sometimes that is how it goes.

Best of luck with everything, hon. *HUGS*