Friday, June 1, 2012

Tomorrow

I am getting married tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
To. mor. row!!
So many feelings.

I woke up at 7am.
I could not go back to sleep.
I am going to be married.
But I was married.
I was happily married.
Before.
Before my life was ripped away from me.

I am so scared.
Scared it is going to be ripped away again.
I cannot go through that again.
Scared Mr. X will leave me.
Scared life will not be as I think.
As I need.
As I want.

It is weird to think I will not be a widow anymore.
At least to most people.
People will think I have forgotten Roger.
Or that I have moved on.
That I do not think of him.

The truth is I think of Roger all the time.
And even more so the last few days.


I cannot even begin to describe how hurt I am that some of Roger's family has abandoned me.
They don't visit when they are in Orlando.
They did not even RSVP to the wedding, respond to messages, texts, or phone calls.
I feel like this wedding is the line in the sand with them.

Some people in my future may never know Roger existed in my life.
And in some ways that is good.
And in other ways it makes me sad.

I am trying hard to focus on the positive feelings.
Push away the fear.
Enjoy the day.
Enjoy my new husband.

6 comments:

Janine (txmomx6) said...

Star,
This post makes a lot of sense to me (except the behavior of Roger's family. I would bet that Roger would be ashamed of how they've reacted, or not acted, towards you).
I cannot imagine how I would feel if I were the one getting married tomorrow. Just the thought of it makes my heart beat faster and tears threaten. I would bet that I, too, would feel fear.
But I am hoping and praying that the love you feel for Mr. X and the love he feels for you will push away every ounce of fear that surrounds your heart. I wish you a wonderful day, full of hope and love. Roger would want that for you, too.

cwdurbin said...

Congratulations. I hope that you have many (MANY) happy years with Mr. X. And as long as Rogers stays in your heart he will never be forgotten...

Jen said...

I can't imagine the wide range of emotions you are experiencing. The moment to moment internal swirl of feelings must be staggering.

I also find it hard to conceive of what you must be feeling in regard to Roger's family. I'm sure it is extremely hard to not take it personal, but I would venture to say it is more toward their grief coping mechanism then anything else. Does that make it any easier for you? Well, of course not.

I sure understand your feelings of trepidation with moving forward, and boy do I wish all was promised, but you know how that goes. When the rug has been yanked out from under...we know more than anyone...nothing is promised. And that is why we, people like you and me, delight and in the little. We take joy in the small. We suck every ounce of happiness out of the little moments, because we know damn well the very next is not promised.

That being said, I wish you well tomorrow and every day after. I will be thinking of you and sending you every good thought I have. You deserve all the happiness in the world.

Love,

Jen

John Robinette said...

I believe the only thing that has any chance of conquering death is love. Love for those who have left, love for those here, now, and unknowable future love that will someday be born.

Thanks for sharing your good news.

John

Cassie said...

What a huge change. I found your blog through Fresh Widow's blogroll. I'm a young widow, too. One year out.
I try, unsuccessfully, to imagine what this might be like if it happens to me one day. The strangest thing really IS that some people I'm now so close to will never know Dave. It boggles my mind. Thanks for writing your truth.

As a sidenote, I’ve tagged you because I like your blog. Hope you don’t mind. Feel free to ignore the shit out of me.
http://shelovesyou3yeah.blogspot.com/2012/06/tag-youre-it.html?showComment=1338995184096#c5133831436730166503

Preciousred stone said...

Hey my name is Ruby Ann and i really dont know how I got here... but it made me sad, kinda teary eyed. For a very long time now I have been asking God questions about things like these but I havnt found the answers. On the contrary I have learnt to be more believing and more trusting in God. Im a single mom with 2 kids and I was dealt a nasty hand....but threw it all I have found my placce and my peace.

I just want to tell you that I pray that the love of God envelope you, that it surrounds you and that you feel a peace that you have never felt before. I pray that you will have many wedding anniversaries to celebrate, many wife birthday cards, lotsa kids.

I know its easier said than done but when you think positively of the things, people and situations around you they usually turn out positive. I wish I had a magic wand that will wipe your fears away but I know I can pray and trust that God can.

I just felt like saying this, since I stopped by. I dont know if i said too much.