Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Reality

Reality kicked in at the rehearsal.
I realized I was about to take vows again.
To another man.
I was about to be someone else's wife.
I started to cry.
Everyone thought it was the stress of the day.
I was not stressed about the wedding.
I hired great vendors.
The wedding was taken care of.
But my widow friend knew it was something else.
Something more emotional.
Something more abstract.
I was getting married.
Again.
This was real.

I know Roger would want me to marry again.
I have no doubt about that.
During my honeymoon with Mr. X, I had a strange nightmare.
Roger wanted Mr. X and me to re-do our ceremony so he could watch.
So we did.
He watched from the side line.
Afterwards, he said congrats.

It is strange saying husband to Mr. X.
I did not say it much at first.
For me, "husband" referred to another man.
A dead man.
He was a dead husband longer than he was a live one.
And thankfully I have not had to refer to Roger has my "first husband" or anything like that.
(I only had to correct the social security office in that I was NOT divorced but a widow to help her understand why I was keeping Roger's last name).

This past Saturday I had too much time alone.
I watched a sort of sad indie film (The High Cost of Living).
Then I was driving in the car listening to the song I walked down the aisle to in my wedding to Mr. X.
I just started crying.
The school year was done, I pretty much knew my work situation was solved, and we were home from the honeymoon.
I finally starting soaking everything in.
I am married.
I am married to a great guy.
But I was also married to another great guy.

It is scary being married again.
Scared for my heart.
Scared for Mr. X.
Scared for the future.

Yep, August is coming.

5 comments:

Mars Girl said...

Right there with you, girl. I had a tearful moment when packing stuff at my house. I'm about to move in with my fiance. I tried to explain to him how I felt, but I didnt want to hurt his feelings so I stopped. It's not slight against him--he's everything I could have ever hoped for in a future husband. But there's still a fear gnawing my stomach. Fear and a strange sense of deja vu...

As a side note, I hate working with government agencies trying to explain name change stuff... And I always have this need to explain that I am NOT divorced. Why does everyone assume it's a divorce situation?! There are TWO ways a marriage can end, please consider the other less "popular" one...

I guess it bothers me that they assume divorce because that feels like a personal failure... And I did not fail my first marriage... It ended. Tragically.

Jen said...

I am blank.

You left me blank with this one.

That doesn't happen with me very often,

But this...

He watched from the side line.
Afterwards, he said congrats.

And this...

It is strange saying husband to Mr. X.
I did not say it much at first.
For me, "husband" referred to another man.
A dead man.
He was a dead husband longer than he was a live one.

This just brought on the tears.

Tears for you.

Tears for Roger.

Tears for the way life just has to be for some.

Love is all I can offer you today.

Jen

chambanachik said...

You're brave. I hope this new reality is a good one. <3

Autumn said...

I love Hans Zimmer and I love the whole soundtrack of Inception. What a great aisle walking song you chose. I am soooo happy for your new journey, Star. May you never walk alone.

Erin said...

Just found your blog through one of the other widow blogs. I am an "unwedded" widow. My fiance passed away from a heart attack in April at the age of 25. I find it very comforting to go back and read your story and to find that others went through the same emotions. I just wanted to thank you for publishing your story for people like me to read and find comfort in.