Wednesday, July 22, 2009

One Month From Today

One month from today I will be burying my husband.
Eleven months ago started this whole journey toward widowhood.
I woke up eleven months ago to attend my high school reunion.
I went to bed with my friend Holly sleeping next to me instead of my husband.
It is hard to believe.
I realized it this morning exactly what the date was.

It is hard to believe.
I already dread it.
I already feel empty from it.
I already feel exhausted from it.
Part of me wants it here now.
Part of me wants it to be done already.
Part of me wants it to still be months away.

And although I keep repeating myself over and over again, I cannot believe this actually happened to us.
How did something so awful happen to us?!?
How did this other driver get to walk away from it all?!?
Why was our life disrupted?!?

I am nervous about burying him.
I am nervous about him not being here with me anymore.

And then what happens after the year mark?
Does some magic feeling wash over me?
I know I will wake up and it will feel the same.
But I do hope to receive some closure.
Some bittersweet taste in my mouth.
Just something.

But I do feel a ticking right now.
A little clock with the minute hand making a small noise as it goes around.
As it gets closer.
As time draws near.
Now I can see the end of this year.
A small light at the end of this tunnel.
Of course, like most lights at the ends of tunnels, it could be a train.
A train that will crush my flat like it did last year at that time.



Crash Course Widow said...

You might have some sort of closure after burying him, but from my experience there WAS no magical thing that happened after the 1-yr anniversary. Like you said, there WAS no change...and that was the scary, unexpected thing. I was so focused on making it to the 1-yr mark that realizing life continued, much the same, after it was a shock. I thought I just had to make it to the 1-yr mark and then it'd be okay.

Which wasn't how it happened for me. It actually got worse after the anniversary. And then it got better for 6 months (while I was dating)...and then it got worse...and much worse...and then even worse. And it was a surprise--and a shaming embarrassment to, who was oh-so-good and careful and cognizant of my "grieving" (ha!) that first year.

But the beauty of this widowhood journey is that we're all different; each of our paths are unique. Sure, they probably have more in common than different, but what happened with me isn't necessarily what will happen with you. Don't expect that it'll be over and done and that you'll be ready to move forward with your life without a backwards glance, but with any luck, the worst of it really WILL be behind you one month from now. It's pretty split amongst my widowed friends which year(s) were the worst...but it's fairly 50-50 that, for possibly half of them, the first year really WAS the worst.

And that's a comfort, because it means hope that it won't necessarily be any worse.

Hang in there. I get it, completely. Sending you lots of hugs....~Candice

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

You know what wonderful milestone happens at the first anniversary? You can realize that at this same time next year, it will have been TWO years.

Perhaps a little zen, perhaps silly, but it did work for me (on the days before and the days after -- I can barely remember the day itself).