If widowhood was a disease, it would be listed as one of the symptoms.
I can see the infomercial now.
"Do you have lack of appetite, insomnia, loneliness, depression, and paranoia?..."
My paranoia has definitely lessened in the last eleven months.
I can sleep if I forget to set the house alarm.
I do not think everyone is out to get me (as much).
I do not everything is going to die all the time (as much).
But... this morning, I felt some paranoia coming on.
I am trying to fight it.
I am trying to remind myself that most things are going to be fine.
I am going to be fine.
Everything is going to be fine.
Relax, Star. Relax.
This morning Mr. X went on to a family reunion out of town.
The first bout of paranoia came this morning as I took him to the airport to drop him off.
Same damn road. Different direction. Different airport.
But still. Driving in a car going to the airport.
With a guy I care about.
The road does not have barriers in all sections of the road.
So people can still cross the median going 65mph.
But I was driving. Not him.
This is not the same situation I kept reminding myself.
The chances are slim.
I have driven on this road many times when nothing happened.
And of course, nothing happened this morning unusual.
The second bout of paranoia is just the whole flying thing.
On a plane.
Yes planes do not crash very often.
Planes are much safer than cars.
I am sure everything will be fine.
Everything will be fine.
I will be fine.
Then there is just general paranoia about him being safe.
From freak accidents.
From weird things.
And there would be no way for me to help him. [Yes, I am a bit of a control freak.]
Would someone remember to call me?
And this is the less paranoia than before.
This is my paranoia waning.
I know it will continue to wane.
And I know there is nothing I can do if something happens to him.
But I cannot help but be slightly scared.
Scared that I like him a lot and I do not want anything to happen to him.
Scared I will lose him like I did Roger.
From a freak moment.
Please please please do not let him die.
Please please let my paranoia continue to fade.