Even from Mr. X. I need to talk to him about that.
I have written about how this sort of bothers me before.
Wow, I guess it bothers me quite a bit.
I am getting better at accepting that compliment like all compliments but it is still the hardest one for me to say "Thanks" to and smile.
I just want to ask people to look closer.
"But look at this. And look at this new weakness."
Do they still think I am strong when they take a second look?
I actually talked to my twin about this particular subject last week.
I do not feel strong still.
Not even almost eleven months out.
I still feel weak.
I still feel un-independent.
I still need help a lot.
Even though I do not ask for it.
I feel very un-Star of before.
But there is some truth to the "You are strong" statement.
Yes, I am stronger in some areas.
But I am weaker in others.
So if all my "strong"ness was put into a box, it would be the same total as before.
However, some of the "strong" has been shifted to new areas.
Sort of like a balancing scale.
I am weaker when it comes to emotional stuff.
I am stronger doing my house chores.
I am weaker when it comes to being alone.
I am stronger in budgeting.
I am weaker at handling unexpected changes.
I am stronger at expressing my needs.
So maybe I seem stronger.
Because people only see the new strength.
Or maybe I seem strong because I survived/am surviving a tragedy.
But do not look too close at me.
Do not look beyond the surface.
Do not scratch too deep.
New weaknesses are there.
I will accept the "strong" compliments now.
Just be specific.
Since I am still not 100% strong yet.
Not sure if I will ever be.
The grief monster is a tricky guy. He steals strength from parts of me to give to poor parts.
Not sure if I will ever be back to original strength.
I feel like I am a cleaning product that has been reformulated.
Maybe I will not be able to remove wine stains like before but I will now be able to sterilize all sorts of bacteria.
Sigh... yes, I am the reformulated Star.