Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Big D

Sometimes I wish it was the Big D instead.
The Big D meaning divorce not death.

I wish I could be angry with Roger for divorcing me.
I do feel angry.
But I cannot feel it at the same time.
It was not his fault.
It was not his choice.
But I am still angry that he left.
That after all we planned.

After I finally had given myself to him, he did not stay.
I trusted him.
I gave my heart to him.
And now it is broken.
My trust.
My heart.

After I finally stopped running from commitment, he went away.

After I finally found happiness and joy in my life, he died.

After I finally figured out that I did like being married.
That I could be happily married.
He exited the marriage.

And I cannot be angry at him.
I guess I can but I feel guilty.
I feel like it is wrong to be mad at him.

But how can I not be slightly.

People "get" divorce.
People understand divorce.
They will not stop talking to me.
They will not be afraid of me.
They will not be afraid of saying the wrong thing to me.
They will not give me that "it sucks to be you and I am glad it is not me" face.
People do not understand death.

People do not understand a young widow.
People understand old widows.
People understand old dried up women/men who will only live a few years without their spouse.

But it is not divorce.
It is death.
It is the death of my husband.
My wonderful awesome husband who died instead of divorcing me.
My wonderful awesome husband who I cannot fault.
My wonderful awesome husband who I cannot be angry with.

1 comment:

melissa said...

I too know your pain, unfortunately I am a young husband of only 9 months passed away very unexpectedly on July 12th...
I often wish that it was a divorce (which I know would have never happened) but at least then I could still talk to him, see him, and maybe even touch him.
I waited too like you for a long time for my husband, I am 30 years old and never married and our marriage was amazing and I would give anything to have it all back. But I know that isn't possible, but I do know that we will survive. I will continue to follow your blog and keep you in my thoughts and prayers.