Friday, August 28, 2009

One Year

Today marks the spot.
The spot I have been dreading for months.
The spot that I could not even imagined a year and two weeks ago.

One year ago, I watched the life drain out of Roger.
I watched his skin turn grey.
I watched his hair start to come out of his head.
I watched the involuntary muscles of his eye start to relax.

And why?
All because a stupid asshole decided tires were not an important investment.
Buy damn tires! Do not forget to inspect the tires! Do not wait to buy tires!!
He was selfish.
But he is still alive.
He gets to keep going.
To move forward.
To get over it.
To forget.
And he probably already does not even remember.
And through the power of the internet, I now have his home phone and cell phone number.
This is a dangerous acquisition.

I am moving through the motions of being alive.
I got up.
I stared at the wall in the shower. How clean do I really need to be today?
I stared at myself in the mirror. Fuck. I look like shit.
I stared at the clothes in the closet. What do I wear on this day?
I stared at the microwave as it heated some water. Why do I have to eat or drink anything?

I probably should not be driving.
I almost hit Mr. X's car this morning as I left my own drive way.
And then almost hit him with the garage door as I habitually tried to close it.
But life goes forward.
School keeps going.
And the anniversary of my husband's death is not an excused absence per the university's standards.

I am hungry but I do not want to eat.
Nothing sounds appetizing.
I just want something to numb this pain.
And food is not the answer.

I cannot think straight.
I cannot complete a thought.
Or a sentence.
I am forgetting every thing.
I stare a lot.

I am in pain.
True physical pain.
And emotional.
And mental.

I feel very disconnected.
Like I am stuck inside my head.
Like everyone else is on some other planet.
Like I am very very alone.
The world is spinning and I am standing still.

I am thankful this day is only twenty-four hours long.
I am glad that I will sleep through some of them.

Thank you for your support.


Charlie said...

I frequently read your blog Star and have been thinking of you today on this sad sad day for you. X and a hug

Chelle said...

Thinking of you today. You have gone through so much and have risen above, you have changed but have not been defeated. You are an inspiration to me. May you seek comfort in your loved ones and online friends and know that you are never alone.
Take Care,

Mars Girl said...

Wow... the anniversary of your husband's death is the anniversary of my wedding... gack...

I feel your pain and send you well wishes... I'm also in a zone of rememberance. Just a different one. But the same sorrow.

Roads said...

I'm full of admiration for you and Mr X as you ride through this storm.

If you can get through this (and you haven't brained him with the garage door) then I think you can get through anything.