Monday, August 24, 2009

I Should Be Excited

Today I started at the university.
Today I started on my bachelors.
Today I should be excited.
Today I should have this bubbling feeling deep down.

But I do not.
It is not there.
The classes are fine.
They will be a lot of work but I can do it.
But that's not it.
That is not what is bothering me.

It is a bit of guilt residing down deep that is bothering me.
That is dragging me down.
A bit of "I wish he could see me".
A bit of "I wish I could ask his advice".
A bit of "If he were here, I would not be at this point."
A bit of "I am living this life, because he could not live his life any longer."

I am sure it some residual stress/grief spell from this weekend.
I am still weepy.
I am still feeling extremely lonely.
I am still feeling just awful.
I am still feeling like my energy has been sapped.
I am still feeling a bit of pain from burying Roger.

Part of me wishes I had a few days to recover.
A few days to regain my strength.
A few days to catch my breathe.
A few days to just crawl into bed and not wake up for a while.

But I am shoved back into real life.
Back into the daily grind.
Back to the realization that he is not here.
Back to the realization that life keeps going.
And will keep dragging me along.

Ugh... and a new chapter begins.
Good or bad.
A new chapter begins.

1 comment:

Emily said...

Hey Star, I just wanted to let you know that you're in my prayers this week. I know this is a really difficult time for you...but know that you're not alone.