Monday, October 12, 2009

Loss

It is a small thing.
It is not that big of a deal.
Except it is.

Today, by accident, I deleted our AIM chat logs.
I use a website called meebo to communicate with IM.
I have been using it for probably two years or so.
It makes it easier.
Everything is online.
I do not have download an application or some software.
It is on any computer with Internet access.
I can organize all my buddies into whatever groups I want no matter what their IM program.
I love it.

Today I wanted to kill it.
I was having issues talking to Mr. X on AIM.
So I tried some troubleshooting techniques.
I signed on. I signed off.
I removed the AIM account.
I added the AIM account.
And then I wanted to cry.
Fuck... OMG... What did I do...

So I checked what I thought might be true.
What I feared what be true.
I went to Roger's screenname.
I checked to see if our chat history was still available.
The log of all our numerous chats.
An almost daily occurrence more than fourteen months ago.
And when I looked for them, they were gone.
Gone.
I fucking deleted them.
Me.

And because the computer hates me, it said "Start chatting with Roger now for a chat history."
Man, I wish I could chat with him.
I wish I could have a chat history with him.
But I cannot.

It is a small loss I know.
But another small thing.
And I could probably try to get them back but...

They still happened.
And I have a few recorded on this blog.
But...
Fuck.

4 comments:

Suddenwidow said...

I'm so sorry, Star! As I read that your chat history had been deleted, I felt a small stab in my gut for you. I can imagine what a loss this is for you...Could you get a hard copy from the website company?

bokallolie said...

I've been following your blog for a while now.. and my stomach dropped when I read this. Ugh!!! It's so unfair, isn't it? Like losing apart of them all over again. I recently did something like this but much less important and more trivial. I accidently changed our relationship status on facebook and it took his name away from me. Stupid, I know.. I can't imagine losing something that special. Hang in there.

Mars Girl said...

It's those little things, though, that hurt. It's like losing a piece of them again. I'm still kicking myself for losing his wedding ring. Yay, what a dufus I am. I used to wear it all the time, even though it was too big for my finger. And it fell off without my notice while I was playing soccer one night. I scoured that field after the game trying to find it but I never did. I still have my wedding ring but the one he wore daily was more precious to me. Why was I wearing it!? Ugh.

I know that's a big thing but it all feels the same. I got depressed the day I changed my answering machine message so that it no longer had him on it. Ack. And I still feel weird when I throw out a piece of furniture or appliance that we used to use as a couple... even bedsheets... But they get old and I cannot hold onto them...

Totally feel for you. Losing that piece of the past that gave you a sense of him in his own words is painful...

letterstoelias said...

I'm so sorry to hear that Star - this may be a shot in the dark, but is his account still active?? Could you hack into it and see if there is a history of your chats there??? I don't use IM so I don't know how these things work exactly, but it seems like there must be a way . . . technology can be such a blessing and a curse.

~C~