Thursday, July 15, 2010

So Jaded

Most people live life like their are immortal.
They ignore the fact we are mortal beings.
At least while they are young.
Because only old people die, right? 
Yeah right...

I finally took myself to my lawyer's office this afternoon.
I finally started the will/trust process.  
Because I am constantly thinking I might die.
Maybe next week.
Maybe in a year.
But I need to be prepared.  
I have had this worry in the last (almost) two years of what will happened if I die tomorrow.

As I spoke to the lawyer, most of my questions were "If I die next week..."
"If I die next year..."
"What happens to _______  if I die before next month?"

My lawyer finally says "You know, more than likely, you are going to live for years and years."
"You are not going to die soon statistically speaking."  
"Most of my clients I have to remind them of their mortality but you are living like you are going to die any day now."

I am just jaded.
So jaded.
My life as I knew it ended abruptly.  
Roger was full of life.  Healthy and just beginning a new chapter.
And it ended in an instant.
No warning.
No blinking lights.
No years of waiting for the moment.

What makes me so immortal?
What makes me so special that I will live till I am ninety?
Why will I not end the same?
Why will my life be different?
My life could end just as quickly.
I could die young too.
I guess I am jaded that it is not impossible.  

So jaded.  


Crash Course Widow said...

I do the same thing too. I've ended up "jokingly" phrasing it along the lines of, If I stepped out the door and got hit by a bus. With the financial planner, primarily, but also with other people when referring to the unpredictability of mortality. Because I don't just assume that I'll live to be a crotchety, old lady.

I'm afraid you're normal, Star...normal considering the circumstances, that is. =) Everyone else is often just too scared or uncomfortable to think about the slightest possibility that they might die. For better or worse, it's not a fear I have now. Dead? Okay, fine, whenever it happens. Personally, I'd prefer to be 85, die in my sleep, and live a long, full, happy (enough) life before then...but mostly, I just hope I don't die young enough to scar poor Anna for life. And I totally freak out internally at the thought that I might have to ever survive the death of my daughter too.

And you know how you were talking about paranoia recently and worrying about people dying? I had my own paranoia moment (make that about 20 minutes) yesterday when my mom showed up late to meet me. Fortunately I had Anna with me, but she was running about 15-20 minutes late and I knew she didn't have their cell phone with her (my dad had it), and I was paranoically fearful that she'd had an accident in the 45 minutes since I talked to her. Yeah, still happens...five years A.D. I still totally hate that reaction in me too, btw. Blech.

Good for you for taking care of this estate task for you. I got my will signed 3 months (to the day, I think) after Charley died, when I was still in productive/automaton mode. But I regularly think there are some things I'd like to change, but it's not worth the effort, yet. Kudos to you!

Autumn said...

I get what you are saying. A lot of people try and remind me that God has a special purpose for me and that there is a reason for everything. But, then again... what was John's purpose? To die at age 25? He still had so many things to accomplish. I know he could have served a stronger purpose. Now people have told me his purpose was to help others realize how special life is... blah blah blah. REALLY?! So, John had to die so you could appreciate YOUR life more? How lovely. What a great plan. I constantly have a jaded feeling. And his death has made me feel more fragile than ever. Sometimes when I close my eyes to sleep I wonder if I will wake up in heaven just like he did. And it still scares the shit out of me.
I don't understand it at all. I am still completely perplexed.