Saturday, August 28, 2010


A few weeks ago, I was having dinner with some widow friends.
The three of us are all young, under thirty at the time.
All of our men died suddenly at young ages.
None of us have children.

We talked about how I have a place to put my anger.
A name even.
A face.
Someone to direct all the voices and shouting and mean thoughts.
Which is "nice" I think.
Their persons' deaths were not a result of an accident.
Or homicide.
Or even self inflicted.
Random heart issues.

And tonight as I tried to go to sleep (note the post time), I started thinking that they did not have to decide.
I had to make a decision.
I had to decide the time.
And the date.
I chose this day.
I had to chose the day my husband would die.
Forty-seven months after our first meeting, I chose his death day.
Three weeks after his birthday.

I hate that feeling.
Hate. Hate. Hate.


Jen said...

While both situations are EXTREMELY difficult, and I would not wish them on anyone, I do think that what you are going through is more difficult.

To have to make that decision, a decision I think should be left in God's hands, not one of us....that is hard.

My heart goes out to you for being put in that position!!

I tend to think though, it is splitting hairs and while it consumes our minds whether we like it or not, it tends to do us no good.

I too, compare other childrens brain injuries. From birth, accident, anoxic, etc, etc. Another mother and I have two children approximately the same age, and 2 accidents, we both do it from time to time also, and with every other brain injured child.

The bottom line is they are both screwed. They are both severely, profoundly, bi-latereally, globally brain injured. Just like all of you are young widows. I know you know all of this well, but I do think it is only natural to keep our minds racing with these thoughts.

I used to play this horrible game after the accident. It was called, "Would You Rather?" I drove my husband crazy. I would say things like,

Would you rather have a brain injured child or a burned child?

Would you rather have a brain injured child or a child with no legs?

Would you rather have a brain injured child or a child with cancer?

The game went on and on, and for MONTHS. I still do it on occasion in my head....

I talked to my counselor about it and she said I am just trying to cope and make some sense and order out of the situation. I was desperately trying to make it better, and sometimes it ended up worse. Especially when my husband would say...

Would you rather have a healthy child (like we had) or a brain injured child? :o)

Wow long story short, not today.

I am thinking of you and hope that you are sleeping well now, I am sorry you were up with all these thoughts swirling around in your head.

P.S. I haven't the time to re-read now, I hope it all came out ok and caring and loving....

Jen said...

I could not stop thinking of you as I heard these lyrics the other day. I have heard this song, and have loved it for years, but in light of your blog, I couldn't put you out of my mind. I know you may be in a slightly different place now.

Julie Roberts

What I need is medication
In the form of a vacation
What I need is skies of blue

What I need is a perspective
One that's healthy but objective
What I need is a point of view
What I want is you

Everyone says, move on
That is what you would want
Good advise, they are right
That's what I need to do
But what I want, all I want is you

What I need is bread and water
And a father for our daughter
What I need is someone new
What I want is you

Everyone says, move on
That is what you would want
Good advise, they are right
That's what I need to do
But what I want, all I want is you
(Only you)

[Instrumental Interlude]

What I need is loss of memory
To forget when you were with me
What I need is to admit we're through

What I want, what I need
Oh, what I want is you (only you)
What I want is you

(Only you)

All I want
Is you

letterstoelias said...

Hi Star,

I am guessing by reading this that you are feeling some guilt about the fact that it was a car accident? Perhaps if you didn't get in the car that day it wouldn't have happened, and that therefore makes it your choice?

If I am wrong, please forgive me - but if that is your feeling, in my experience, guilt will come regardless of how they die, and, you obviously had NO control over the other driver or the fact that the accident happened.

Elias died of a brain tumour. We were told in March he would have a year, give or take. He died in April, very suddenly, as brain tumours go. It was not expected to be like that. We had been at the cancer agency that day, and his doctors didn't see it coming either. I spent most of the last year both mad at the doctors, and regretting decisions I made that day.

'He needed more treatment, I should have gone back to the cancer agency. He shouldn't have had the naturopathic treatment that day - it was too much. I should have taken him to the hospital sooner.' And so on. I still struggle at times with his death coming as a result of my decisions or lack of. If I had just done 'something' different, he could have been with me at least a few months longer (or I would have found that 'miracle' cure I was looking for . . .)

At a time when I was feeling the worst about this (just before the year anniversary), I spoke with a spiritual medium, and one of the first things she told me, was that Elias wanted me to stop blaming myself. It helped me to hear that, and I trust Roger would want the same for you.

The 'fates' (whatever the hell that means anyway) decided, and I hope you find a way to relieve yourself of the guilt. Sorry for the long comment, but I know how hard it is to struggle with this feeling . . .

Janine (txmomx6) said...

Oh Star .... you did what was best for him .... without a shadow of a doubt.
My heart goes out to you ..... I hope that you realize, with your head knowledge, that he's so very grateful for what you had the courage and selflessness to do.
You are an amazing woman.

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

Star, love, I'm so sorry. And here I am late as usual.

It's okay to try to make sense of it, it's okay to hurt, but please be as gentle, kind, generous, patient with yourself as possible.

I hope the "days after" are feeling better than the days before. Usually for me, they are, but I get a bit spacey.