Friday, October 29, 2010

The Greatest Fear

During my freshman year of college, the university had a big campaign against rape.
They told us how one out of four girls would be raped before Thanksgiving break.
And most likely by someone they knew.
I was scared.
It was my greatest fear.
It was easily a possibility.

I had mace on my key chain.
I did not walk the mile to my car at night alone.
When going out with guy friends, I made sure to keep my wits about me.
I used the buddy system with my roommate.

The fear carried through with me.
I check my car before I get in it.
When I am alone at night, I keep my eyes and ears alert.
I notice people around me.
If someone looks creepy, I try to describe what they look like in my head.

And thankfully, knock on wood, I have not been raped.

But no one told me nor did I really think it was plausible that I would become a widow.
That Roger and I would not make it to our first wedding anniversary because of death.
No warning speech by wedding officials.
No precautions to take.
No what to do if steps.  
Because it does not happen.
Widows are old.
Widows have adult children.

There are not many things that cause me fear.
Fear does not take over as an emotion for me.
But the morning of the accident, the fear was tangible. 
My heart was sinking.
I was praying.
Fear was so intense.  

Now I have still have a fear of rape but I have a new greatest fear.
I fear that I will have to deal with widow-ness again.
I fear more absolutely terrible unfair things may happen to me in my life.  
I fear losing friends in car accidents or freak events.  

I try to push down the fears out of my consciousness.
But it is still there. 
Still there. 

1 comment:

Autumn said...

My biggest fear was always losing people..maybe do to the fact that I started losing people so young in my life. Not always to death. But just losing them.
And then in high school I started to lose people to death. People that were young and that i cared deeply for. It was so weird then.
I have always had other fears... scuba diving, heights, needles, etc. And these fears are starting to get less intense for me. Isn't that weird. How everything doesn't become such a big deal anymore when the greatest fear you have comes true?
It's not like I don't think anything can happen to me. It's like I think ANYTHING can happen to me. So. i guess i just try things out anyway...
like this weekend when i got over my fear of shooting a gun. it was actually exhilarating.
i love you star. so so so much.
and i admire you always. and look up to you. and you will always be close to my heart because we have a bond that no one else can quite get. xoxo