Monday, January 10, 2011

Thirty

My daddy and me - May 2007
A few weeks ago when I was re-learning earth science for one of my certifications, I learned this term called constructive interference.
Basically, it is when two similar waves are in the same medium the waves combine into a bigger wave.

On Thursday afternoon, a new wave came.
My dad unexpectedly passed away.
I have been debating whether to write how he died but since this grief is a bit different, I will reveal.
Thursday morning, my dad committed suicide.  
He was not old.
He was not sick.
He was not in an accident.
He decided for himself the day he would die.
It was selfish and I am angry.
But I am also very very sad.

It is very unlike him.
I have other family members who threaten suicide like they are ordering dinner.  
But not my daddy.
Nope. 
He was happy go lucky.
He was always smiling and laughing.  

We did not have the closest relationship.
My parents separated and later divorced when I was four.  
It was a tremulous divorce to say the least.
My mother hated my father and she was not afraid to tell us.  
But when I was in my early twenties I realized it was not him.  
He did love me.  He did care about what I did.
I could call him and truly talk to him.  Not just a surface conversation.
The day I changed my last name.  I called my daddy.  
When Roger died, my daddy drove from Virginia to Florida to help me.  To be with me.
He was himself and talked with my friends.
He helped clean out my garage and organize Roger's tools.  

My daddy and I look alike.
We act alike.  
I am my father's daughter. Proudly.
When I look in the mirror, I see my daddy.  I have for years.
But now it is painful.

I forgot how all of this feels in the beginning.
How my body is heavier.
How I just feel low and blue.
How my attention starts to drift after just a few minutes.  
I thought I was feeling a bit better until I came back to my home in Florida.
Back to reality.
For the first time since Thursday afternoon, I am alone.
And I certainly feel it.  
I know this will be different. 
My daddy was not a part of my everyday life.  However, my heart is still broken.

I feel even more of every feeling for his wife.
I hate she has to start on this journey.  
Join the club no one wants to join.

I wondered how old I would be when one of my parents passed away.
Thirty.

17 comments:

letterstoelias said...

So, so sorry Star.
~C~

Deborah said...

I'm so sorry Star.

Life, Love, and Labs said...

Star, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Death is never easy, and it will take time to heal. Take comfort in the love from those around you. You are in my prayers... If you need anything at all, you know where to find me!

Mrs E said...

I am so deeply sorry to hear of the loss of your father.

Janine (txmomx6) said...

Star,
I am so very sorry that you are going through this crap all over again .... in addition to already being on the grief road.
Please know that there are many of us thinking of and praying for you.
I wish we could do more ..... but as you well know .... we can't.
Please know that you aren't truly alone.
We're here. As much as we can be.

Autumn said...

Star,
I am so sorry to hear about this. This is definitely a different kind of grief... one that I have had to deal with lately as well. My dad's girlfriend killed herself at my house a couple months ago. I am sure you read about it. But I can't imagine it being my own father. I know some people who have been victims of suicide and I can connect you with them.
I know how upsetting this can be. And how mad you can get at him. Especially with what you have already gone through... this is the LAST thing you need. I know we havent been hanging out lately but I am ready to be back in your life again if you'll let me. I will be thiking about you. I love you doll.
xoxoxo

Crash Course Widow said...

I am so, so sorry, Star. What a horrible loss.

There are no words. Know that many people love you, are thinking of you, and sending you warm wishes of support this week.

xoxo,
Candice

KEE said...

My heart hurts for you. There are no words.
I often wondered the same thing, for me it was ages 23 and 34.

Brooke Simmons said...

I am crying for you...there are no words. I hope your spirit can feel the love and support of those around you during such a difficult time.

dbb said...

So sorry..

Faith said...

Star, I am so saddened to hear of your loss. I found out three Christmases ago that my dad had passed away. Although our relationship had never resolved itself, it was still a deep grief. I pray for peace and comfort to invade your thougths and heart.
Love to you.

Jen said...

Oh Star...you left me speechless...I am beyond sorry...

Misty said...

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this sort of grief all over again. I'm here for you if you ever want to talk.

BethinNC said...

I am so very sorry about the loss of your daddy. I am sorry you have to go through this grief journey, in addition to the one you are already on. I am sorry for your father's wife who must travel this path now.

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

Star, I am so so sorry. BIG HUG. And I'm sorry it took me so long to catch up with reading ....
YOU ARE LOVED.

Hira Animfefte (Xera Anymphefte) said...

Oh, Star. I'm so, so sorry. ((((((((HUGS)))))))
There are no words.

Mars Girl said...

Star!! I'm so sorry!!! I've been away from your blog for a bit. What sad news to come to... I'm sending my best thoughts your way...