Monday, August 8, 2011

Yesterday, August 7th

Yesterday was horrid.
It has been a long time since I felt so crappy on an important day.
This one snuck up on me.
I did not know it would be such a big deal to me but it was.
And sadly, I felt so alone.
So friendless.

It felt like everyone, except for Roger's family and me, forgot.
My phone did not ring.
No text messages.
No offers to come by.
Not even emails until I expressed how sad I was.

I cannot predict my grief.
But yesterday was horrid.
And disappointing.

Mr. X tried to deal with the ball of emotion that was me.
He tried to hug me.
Tears just sat on the verge of falling all day.
Maybe they think Mr. X can handle it.
Maybe they think it has been three years and I should get over it.
Some may say it is not even a big deal.

Everyone else went on with their life yesterday.
I stayed inside most of the day except for the brief stent to the grocery store to buy cake making supplies.
My body felt so heavy.
Napped when I could not handle it anymore.

As promised, I made Roger a cake.
With layers.
It was not very pretty but it was done.
And it is yummy.


Janine (txmomx6) said...

I'm so sorry, Star. I haven't read in a few days since I've been hosting company and now traveling. I saw that the date was approaching. I wish I would've remembered that and commented.
It sucks. So bad.
I know.
It'll be 4 years in December and I know that everyone has moved on with their lives and they think, mostly, that I'm "all better". Little do they know (lucky them) that I will never be "all better". Better? Yes. All? Nope.
And I will always hate that day.
Even though it's not the day's fault and even though it's the birthday of my sister, brother and step-dad. Which seems to make it all the suckier. A day to wish someone else happiness and joy seems to take away the importance of what it means for me, and my children.

Jen said...

Star ~

I am so sorry your day was so bad. I am also sorry that people close to you have fallen away. I feel terrible that more people in your life did not reach out to you, to make sure you were ok.

It is such a sad thing, once a tragedy happens people are there in the tons, and then as time passes, everyone assumes we are ok, and life goes on.

Every time someone close to me has a tragedy, I now make sure I stay in for the long haul. I appreciate that from others, and I will be that way for someone else.

Before my accident, I was a tragedy dodger, doing the minimum, because I was so scared. In my situation, I look around and wonder if these people are the former me, and do care so immensely (b/c I always did, but had a funny way of showing it) or do they really not think of us. Probably some of both.

Your cake was beautiful, layers and all.