Wednesday, November 12, 2008

"You are being too logical"

I wish Roger could have heard that today.
He thought I relied on my emotions too much.
But today I learned, I'm too logical.
Too good at rationalizing things.
Of course, its part of being human.
It is what makes us different from other animals.
Roger would say it is the difference between really smart people and those not so smart people.
And people do say I'm pretty smart.

For example, I think about other driver and his very bald tires.
I think how stupid that is in Florida.
Florida! Of all places!
In August!!
Where it rains every freaking day.
Where he had to have known that he had bad tires when he hydroplaned on a daily basis.
It rained every day the week of the accident.
He was in the wrong lane going to work.
He had to know that road well.
He had to know he needed to be on the other side of the fork way before he swerved.
Why was he being more careful with his bad bald tires?
But instead of letting myself go on, I start to feel sorry for him.
Maybe he didn't have the money for new tires...

Yeah, I'm messed up.
But I do it out of defense.
To protect myself.
Not out of smartness.

Roger would laugh.
I have to stop being so logical and let my emotions (especially anger) come out.
Just let it flow.
Let is all come out.

1 comment:

rachel said...

there is no timeline for grieving - you will be angry when you're angry... and the mercy in your heart for that driver is a part of the beauty of your love for roger - because real love spreads it's tendrils out to cover all the corners of our life.

i can't imagine how hard this is - even just to blog about, nevermind live through. i'm so sorry for your loss.