I swear I thought I was over this stage.
The denial stage.
Or at least in control of it.
But I seriously cannot stop thinking that I'm just not spending Christmas with Roger for some other weird reason besides his death.
Maybe he is in a different country.
Maybe he had to work.
Maybe he was sick and could not travel.
Maybe he just did not want to come to the cold weather.
Maybe he just wanted to spend the holiday with his family without me.
Maybe we are fighting.
Part of that super protective part of me is not letting me truly deal with this complete loss.
And I do want to.
I really want to deal with this.
I do not want it to be later when it will be more painful.
I keep yelling at myself, "C'mon, Star, face it!! Let your guard down. This is real."
Maybe because I'm around people I have not seen in a while?
Maybe because I am excited to see new people?
As long as I am being distracted, whether that is good or bad, I keep forgetting the real reason Roger is not with me.
Roger is dead.
And it is distrubing me that I am denying everything, again.
I do not want to forget.
Of couse, the constant reminders of something to do with Roger are there.
Whether its a movie, a CD, a word on a book, a t-shirt, a sound, or just about anything.
I complete amaze myself at my ability to associate anything and everything to Roger.
I seriously kind of hope I crash back to reality soon.
I am worried about myself.