Saturday, December 20, 2008

So Fragile

My doctor today told me several things:
1. Stop setting such high expectations for yourself
2. Don't stop taking the medication
3. Stop being so hard on yourself
4. Let yourself feel what you feel
5. Stop doing push ups since they hurt your wrist.

But I just can't help it. Any of these things.
And the expectations just run in my blood. They are my driving force in all parts of my life.
I'm always pushing myself harder and harder.
The bar is always higher than the day before. I can not lower it no matter what. I have to be better than other people.
But I have to remember to let myself have down time. This week I actually felt some guilt (inflicted by me) for not doing anything for a whole day.
But why? I don't know.
Although I do have lots of people that wonder and ask "What the hell do you do all day?"
I just want to tell them death business, school business, quitting my job business, and grief business.
And all these things are taxing.

I hate taking medications. It comes from years of working in healthcare.
Plus with my family history, I don't want to be addicted to a medication but I guess I need to realize that I need them. That at this point in my life, they are necessary and its okay to take some medication.
(See its not just Eastern medicine that I avoid.)

I have to stop pretending I am okay.
I have to let myself cry more. And let people see me cry.
I just think people get really uncomfortable to see me cry. And I don't want to be the source of uncomfortableness.
I want to be liked.
I want people to want to be around me. Because I like being around people. They are wonderful distractions.
I have to let myself feel what I feel. And I have to let those feelings out.

And yeah, so doing push ups are out.
It really hurts to do them and so what should I do, not do push ups. Keep stretching my wrist but strengthening my wrist in this manner, not the best.

I just feel so so fragile.
I do not do well with this feeling.
I feel helpless.
I do not do well with this feeling either.

Oh please help me, everyone.
This is going to be a really long road.


Marlyn Wilkin said...

You can cry around me anytime and I promise you won't make me feel uncomfortable. Yeah, but push ups, probably not the best idea. :)

Teri said...

Ditto what Marlyn said :) If people are uncomfortable with you expressing your feelings (esp. knowing that you need to in order to cope) then that is their problem, not yours. You've got enough to worry about without having to worry about whether your friends will start to feel weird. And listen to your doctor about the meds and push-ups, silly girl!! :)

Holly said...

Ditto what Teri/Marlyn said :-)
And besides, I have never ever been able to do a push up. Ever. So stop making me look bad, and stop doing them!