Thursday, April 9, 2009

"My boyfriend, Roger"

"My boyfriend, Roger" sounds so weird.  
So strange.
So unbelievable.
The other day when I recorded my proposal story I had to say those words. 
I had to look at those words on my speech.  
I had to stare at them on my note cards. 
I could not believe it.
Roger as my boyfriend?

I have not had a "boyfriend" in so long.
For like two and half years.
Two. And. Half. Years.
Roger was my fiance for sixteen months.
He was my regular living husband for six months and five days.
He has been my dead husband for seven and half months.  

The funny thing is how long it took him to be my boyfriend.
I would not call him boyfriend for months after we started dating.
I think it took about four months or so.
It would take another two months before I would say the words "I love you."

He actually said the word "girlfriend" way before I did.
And by accident.
I was taking a shower at his house and he was standing in the bathroom chatting with me.
We commonly would come into the bathroom while the other were showering.
When I intruded on his shower time, he had no other distractions from what I was saying.
Plus I got to see him naked.
That was an added bonus.
For him, I think he would just get so excited about one thing or another, sometimes just me, and he would come in to talk to me.
I think he liked seeing me naked too.  I hope he liked seeing me naked.
This particular time, he was telling me some story about work and he said, "My girlfriend does..."
"What did you just call me?"
He stumbled over his words, "Uh, hmm, well, ya know, girlfriend."
"Oh, who is this girlfriend person?"
"You, silly!"
"Oh, I did not realize I was your girlfriend" in my very best sarcastic voice.

Last summer, even after we were married, he once slipped and referred to himself as my boyfriend.
I laughed.
He tried to dig himself out of an imaginary hole.  
I did not care.
I loved us when he was my boyfriend.
I loved us when he was my fiance.
I loved us when he was my husband (dead or alive).

The crazy weird thing is Roger has now been my dead husband for so much longer than alive.
I have referred to him as "my husband" more in the last seven and half months than I did when he was alive.  And not just because it is a longer period of time.  Just because I have had to explain things a lot more.  
I rarely called him "husband"while he was alive without giggling.  It sounded so strange.
So I just kept "dear".

Just like my new name.
Just like how a year ago I started this blog one day while at work when I was bored.  
Never thinking it would have the purpose it does now.  
I even came up with the title then.
Not knowing the meaning it would have.  

Honestly, I was shocked I was married.
I had a husband.
No longer just dating.
But married.

All that has changed now.
I am back to square one.  

1 comment:

Learning to Live Without Him said...

It is like starting your life all over again. I understand.
I always have a bad feeling when I tell people that I was married that they look at me as if I FAILED at my marriage. As if I was divorced and I am not saying, I don't believe in divorce but Jim and I weren't anywhere near there. So I understand but for me with the added stress of always wondering what others are saying or thinking. And I ask myself "why do I care?"