Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Permanently Recorded

One of our engagement photos taken by Scoobie.  

A few weeks ago, my speech teacher approached me with a favor.
She asked if I would record my proposal story on video for her to use in future classes.
Like recorded on video and preserved forever. And ever.
Whoa, I barely got through that speech the first time.
But it has been two months since I did it.
And I am doing much better these days when February was really rough. 
Really really rough. Thank God it was a short month.
And the cherry on top was my professor offered to let me get out of one of my class speeches so of course I said sure.  
I figured I would find out a way somehow to get through the speech.

So today, it was done.
I dressed up.
I did my make up.
I blow dried hair (those people who know me know this is a huge deal).
I went to the production studio.
Re-read through my speech.
Touched it up a bit.
And I am happy to say I got through it.
With a smile at the end.
And I only had to do it once.

Maybe it was the camera watching.
Maybe it was because I am doing better.  
Maybe it was because I can focus on the happiness of that day and our life rather than the sadness of him gone.

The crazy part was the production crew was stunned.
They were listening and were feeling the good feeling about how I proposed to Roger.
They thought they were listening to a girl telling a cute sappy story.
Then I came to the part where I say how he died.  
They just sat there.
They even forget to fade to black.  

The director guy came out of the back to talk to me.
He just kept saying "wow."
And my speech teacher being just great said "Yeah, and she is doing really well too."

Because I am doing well.
I am making it through each day.
Yes, I still have sad moments.
I still cry every day even if just a few drops.
But I am doing better.  


Supa said...

Post the text! I want to hear every word.

Congratulations on making it through the speech... congratulations on your insight... Sounds powerful, and you are.



Kitty Bear said...

That's great you got through it. And even though your speech doesn't have the typical happy ending, at least you'll know the story---with ALL its nuances--is preserved.

Glad to hear you're doing better :)

Tiffy said...

Hi Star

I follow your blog and I remember talking with you on the knot and nest in the fast few years. I just wanted to say how incredibly strong I think you are and how you inspire me to be thankful everyday! Congratulations on getting through the speech, I don't know that I would be strong enough to take on that challenge.

~Tiff (Leila825 on the nest)

Marlyn Wilkin said...

It's such a great story & you are such a great story-teller. Congrats on getting through the speech...and in the first try!

Crash Course Widow said...

"Doing better" isn't a one-time affair, hun. It's a come-and-go affair...some days are better, some days are worse (or minutes, or hours, or weeks). What I've found is that it's really only in hindsight that I can honestly say if I'd been doing better or worse than other times. So don't put too much pressure on yourself that you have to "get better" or "be better" or "feel better." Just let yourself be whatever you are, and give yourself a hall pass on it for a long, long time. Doing better this month (because yeah, let's face it, it's WAY easier to feel better compared to the uber-low you hit with your first widowed wedding anniversary) doesn't necessarily mean you'll still be better next month, next week, or tomorrow. And that's okay. It's just how this shit works.

But that being said, I am so glad for you that you ARE feeling better than 2 months ago. Celebrate every small victory on this path! ;o)