Thursday, October 30, 2008

Grey Matter

Roger said I have issues with absolutes.
And I completely agree with him.
My counselor agrees with him too.
I want everything to be black or white.
Red light or green light.
Right or wrong.
Left or right.
I don't deal well with grey.
I hate the inbetween.
You love me or you hate me.
You think I'm great or you think I'm awful.
Not both. Especially not both at the same time.

One of my many issues with my grief is that I want absolutes there too.
Probably linked back to my control issues I'm sure.
Stupid control issues.
I want to be angry or compassionate toward the other driver, but not both.
Especially at the same time.
But I am both.
At exactly the same time.

My counselor keeps reminding me that I can do more than one emotion at a time.
And emotions are not logical.
Grief emotions are especially not logical.
Yes grief is a process but the process is not logical either.
Again more grey area.
Emotions and grief are not a math equation where there is one answer at a time.
Which is unfortunate for me because I understand math.
I understand that A + B = C.
I can figure those things out.

Also people tell me I'm so strong.
Me? Strong?
Are you sure?
But I don't feel strong.
I feel weak.
I still cry a lot.
I don't cry in front of people.
But I cry a lot in the car.
And I cry a lot while writing these entries.
In my world of black and white this is not strong.

People tell me I'm doing so well.
But I don't feel like I'm doing well.
I'm just doing.

People tell me I'm extraordinary.
But I feel like I'm ordinary.
If not even less than subpar.
Cause I am not the ordinary me.
I'm fearful.
I'm forgetful.
I'm irritable.
I'm not happy go lucky.

I am not me.
I'm sad.
And I'm not hungry.
And I'm not sleepy.
And I can't concentrate.

This is all grey area to me.
Grey matter.
Not black.
Not white.
But a lovely shade of neutral grey.
And I don't like it.

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