Tuesday, November 25, 2008

So here I go...

... into the official holiday season without him.
Our first married holiday season and my first without him.
Except, I'm not married by definition.

I feel like I'm kinda being pushed into this holiday season.
All the stores with their commercials, sales, Christmas music, and holiday decor.
It's like Star is coming with us whether she likes it or not.
It's not like I can skip it although I do wish I could maybe sleep through it.

I'm really nervous about how I will handle it.
Will it be harder than I think? Will it be as hard? Or maybe not so bad?

I hate the word "strong" so I don't even want to hear how "strong" I am.
I hope no one uses that word.
Because to my standards, I'm not.
Crying every day is not strong.
And if I'm crying every regular day, how am I going to handle this Thursday?
I also hope people don't say "You look great considering."
What does that mean? Yes, I've lost weight. But what else? What are they expecting.

How am I going to handle knowing this is not the way Thanksgiving was suppose to be.
We were supposed to be having both our families here.
We were supposed to be marinating a turkey tomorrow night in mojo like the tradition we started.
I am supposed to be planning the sides and the desserts.
And maybe my mom would be here making her deviled eggs.
But no. Not at all.
All of that "plan" has gone away.
None of that will be happening at my house.
My house this year will be empty like my heart.

I will be spending this year with my dear friend Cecilia for which I am very grateful.
I'm so appreciative of everything she has been for me this year.
For about a week, she was me.
She completely took over my life after the accident and right after Roger's death.
It was so amazing and sweet.
I am extremely happy to be spending this first holiday with her.

Roger and I only had two Thanksgivings together.
The very first year we were officially dating, Roger and I spent it apart. He had family visiting for a vow renewal at Disney and I had plans to go to West Florida. But we did talk via text and the phone quite a bit. I even have a picture of Roger sitting on a curb texting and his mom standing next to him. And I'm pretty sure he was texting me. At least I hope so.

By the next we were engaged. Our immediate families met each other for the first time and we spent it in Roger's house. It was stressful yet exciting. And Roger still wanted to marry me at the end of the weekend.

Last year, we were at our house. His mom said the Thanksgiving blessing over the food and also prayed for "pitter patter of feet besides the cats" but of course she said it in Spanish so I wouldn't know. Or so she thought.
We had a whole slew of people here. Roger's cousins, Mike & Maribel, and their four girls stayed with us.
The next day we went to Islands of Adventure and discovered this awesome jungle gym probably designed for very young kids. I think we had to convince Roger it was time to go.
We were only three months away from the wedding. Life was exciting.

But yet here I am.
Packing alone for my first trip without Roger. My first married Thanksgiving alone.
This is also my first trip since the accident.
I'm very nervous about the whole ordeal from beginning to end.
The last time I had to think about packing in this detail was the night before the accident.
And its not like I haven't traveled without Roger. I have travelled a lot without him. But not since the accident. Not like this.

So I leave tomorrow without him.
I will celebrate Thanksgiving without him.
I will be thankful for everything I can be.
Without him.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Wow! I just stumbled across your blog, and my heart goes out to you. I can only hope that by having this blog you're able to share your hardships with others, and will receive comfort in return.