Friday, April 9, 2010

A New Birthday Cake

This is somewhat of a repeat emotion but...

Yesterday was Mr. X's birthday.
I was super excited to celebrate with him.
I wanted to make the day special for him.

I bought him a couple of gifts.
Made us dinner (except it did not taste very good).
And I made him a birthday cake.

And then this morning, I felt this fear.
I am really happy with Mr. X right now.
There are some big things happening for us (a whole separate series of blogs there).
But yet, I am frightened.
Beyond just normal relationship fears.
I guess it does not help that Roger died three weeks after his birthday.

As I become more and more happy with him, this fear that he will disappear keeps coming up.
And not just "disappear", but worse.
I am attached to him.
I am happy with him.

I was happy before.
I was attached before.
The true disappearing is that I feel scared Mr. X will die too.
And I know eventually he will.
Everyone dies.
But I am so afraid that as we get closer and closer, it will happen sooner than later.

The selfish part of me what to die first this time.
I do not want to be a widow again.
Please dear God do not let me be a widow again.

4 comments:

Kati said...

Hi, my name is Kati and i´m from nothern Finland. I´v lost my husband 4 month after our wedding. He died in heart attack. So suddenly and unpredictability november 2009.
Your text is so touching.
<3

Jennifer M Karn said...

My husband died suddenly 19 months ago and I have not yet dated. I'm actually very afraid to get into another relationship because I couldn't handle another death. I also hope that next time around I'm the first to go.

Peace.

Janine (txmomx6) said...

Star .... I'm right there with you on this one.
Sigh ......

Heather said...

I think the fear that a new love will just die too is pretty normal. At 26 months, I haven't dated yet, but I have thought about it. I go back and forth on dying first should I be blessed enough to find love again. On one hand, I don't want to do this again. On the other, I don't want to put someone else through it either.